Wednesday, September 30, 2009

This pain that we refuse

1.55 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • Marionette, Marionette, and Marionette...
Dear diary,

Yeah, dear diary. It's such a cliché, but to be honest, you are very dear to me. It's like you're the only one who understands me, 'cause this is the feeling I'm living with inside of me every day. That no one understands me, no one can see what I really mean, what I really want to do. It's like screaming your lungs out, but your scream gets muted halfway through your throat, and you choke on it instead. Nothing gets easier when you're constantly getting misunderstood, and it surely doesn't help that I can't seem to find any words to explain to someone how I feel. I feel... alienated. I need... yeah, I really need someone who understands me. Be it a partner, a friend, or just someone I can trust.

So, a quick walkthrough of my latest activities.
Met Jessica yesterday, she spent the night here, we watched a documentary of Lars Winnerbäck and talked about a lot of the things that are troubling me. Felt really good, I feel I can trust her with a whole lot of my thoughts. Today we went downtown to meet up with Erika and Ellinor and grab a coffee (or in Ellinors case, a glass of wine and a beer.) I hadn't seen Erika in a long time, not since me and Tina broke up, so it was really nice to see her again, and of course Elli too, as always. She puzzles me. There's something about her I just can't seem to figure out. So later on we met Sebastian and this girlfriend he had with him, I should probably not go into details on this one, but he ended up staying back at my place for a couple of hours, and when they left I could feel the exhaustion form being around people all day. It's different altogether, how I'm able to handle being around people. Sometimes I have no trouble being around others for days and even weeks, but I always seem to fall back to periods where I get confused, irritated and exhausted from being around people. Good thing I can retreat here, and write about everything so it doesn't get stuck in my head. I was planning on making this post one of those looooong posts, but I feel I have more important things to do.

Anyway, I'll be launching a new blog today, where I'll be posting mostly poems I write, but also some other stuff that my mind creates. This time it'll be in Swedish, after all it is my first language, and as much as I love English, I feel I'm still able to evolve my writing in Swedish too. So, subscribe if you're interested.


  1. It was really awesome to meet up today. I recon we should do it again some time soon. I've missed you, just so you know.

    You've really changed. In a positiv way of course.

  2. Yeah, I enjoyed it a lot too. We never got to know each other as well as I'd like.