Thursday, October 18, 2012

Back for more

6 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

 Back from the dead, eh? Never thought I'd open up these pages again, not after last time at least. But I guess I have my reasons this time.

First of all, I have no friends left. At least no friends that I can share these secrets with, because they simply wouldn't understand. This leaves me in a solitude I have not chosen, yet it is something I will never find my way out of.

Second of all, I'm doing this simply to see if I still have it in me. The last few years I have watched my creativity crumble and disappear into nothing, leaving me completely dead inside and unable to make sense of anything. I look back on these pages and read my words, not recognizing them, as if they were written by a complete stranger. I look back, and I miss it. No matter how much I've suffered in the past, nothing comes close to being this numb, and I'd give anything to feel that fire in my veins one more time.

This time around, much is different. I've wandered down paths I never dreamed I would take, and yet, I come back to the same place I started, over and over again. The only thing that's changing is my demons. They take on new disguises, new names, but in their twisted, charcoal hearts, they are all the same. I fear they have become such a big part of me that it's not even me moving my fingers around the keyboard right now, that somehow they have taken control of my body.

I can't even start explaining what has happened since last time I posted here, it would take me a week. And I don't even want to explain, since explaining means I have to think about all of it, and that would probably kill me right now. My head is spinning already from just writing about it, and I'm losing focus. Fuck it, let's just see where this takes us. If you're reading this, because you're a friend (or an enemy) or just a random person stalking me, I'd suggest you start by reading the story thus far. It helps when it comes to understand this hell that my life has become. Enjoy.

Oh, I will... I will...

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