Friday, October 19, 2012

Late october

 4.54 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

The Hillbilly Moon Explosion – My Love for Evermore (feat. Sparky Phillips)

We stood on a cliff in a starless night
I held your hand in my mine...
so stand by me with all your heart,
I need you by my side

I came back. Didn't believe it myself, but I guess this is my only way of finding my way back to a version of myself that had some creativity left in it. Should start reading more books in english as well, I fell like I'm starting to lose my ability to express myself, not only in english but in my native language as well.

As I'm writing this I've begun packing my belongings into boxes once again, leaving only the things I need until I move still unpacked. I've done this so many times by now, it has become a ritual to me. It feels like I'm taking all the anguish, fear and darkness that has been accumulating inside of me since I moved back into this town, and putting it into the boxes together with all the other stuff, and when I arrive in my new home I get a moment of clarity from all of it, since it's still inside the boxes. It's when I slowly start to empty the boxes that it creeps out again, seeping into every dark corner of my new home, ready to strike whenever I am vulnerable. I'll never get rid of those shadows, I know that for a fact, so I do what I can to stay away from them, but some of them are parts of me that I can't run from, so it's really no use.

Yesterday there was some dude here to check out the apartment, I really hope he takes it. In that case I can probably move out on the 15th of November, and then spend two weeks at my parents home and move into our new apartment on the 1st of December. It's always been like that for me, I have to take the decision and then act quickly, before I get stuck and spend months walking around my apartment like a ghost, longing to break the chains and move on. So for those of you who didn't know, my next destination will be Borås. Once again. I should have learned my lesson by now, with so much shit that has happened to me in that town, but for some reason I keep gravitating towards that place. This time I won't be living alone, my drummer is gonna join me, and hopefully my guitarist as well as soon as he has found a job there or some way of getting an income at least. Living together with the band probably is more of an advantage than a burden, I'm hoping that I will be so busy with becoming a rockstar that my demons won't even get the chance to mess with my head.

Oh, you really think that's gonna work? Hasn't been working that well in the past, has it? That's right. Useless.

Shut the fuck up, will ya? I'm trying here, for the first time in a very long while, trying to make some sense out of this. I'm gettin' pissed at myself here for being unable to let the words flow like they used to. Read back a couple of months last night and was blown away by the way I was expressing myself. Where did that come from, and why did it disappear? I'm gonna find out, that's for damn sure. It ain't over yet.

It's been over for a long time... you just won't admit it to yourself... I know she's gone, I heard her myself. She lied to you. She lied, because you're such a piece of shit. You don't deserve honesty from anyone, anyone but me. I'm your best friend, remember? I tell you the truth. She didn't. She's probably in some other guys bed right now, sleeping on his chest after they fucked all night, and he fucked her good, you know that. Better than you could ever dream of. And he tells her all those things you couldn't say because you were too scared, too fucked up, too bent on living that dream of yours that never came true. Oh, don't tell me about it, I've heard it all before. It's gonna get busy around here pretty soon, trust me. I ain't done with you. 

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