Saturday, October 20, 2012

I'll see you in my dreams

4.10 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

The Dangerous Summer – Where I Want To Be

I wish you'd try to save me
Your silence makes me crazy

I should be sleeping by now, I can barely keep my eyes open. Did something bad again, popped a couple of pills, and I'm afraid they're gonna start messing with my heart again. Ever since the accident it hasn't been working properly, I had regular chest pains for a year after, but they've become more unusual since then, until now. The amount of meds I've been stuffing in my mouth the last month is frightening, just to get by, just to forget and maybe, just maybe, to stop breathing. It is at this time the demons usually come out in full force, out of hiding. They've been lurking around in the shadows the whole evening, and they know now is the time to strike. I'm weak, weak because I can't stop my mind from unraveling. I'm thinking about her again, what she's doing, and who she's with. If he's better than me, smarter, funnier, prettier... which is probably the case. Who would want this sorry piece of shit.

Right on, bro. Now you're starting to see my side of this story. You're right, she's probably spending the night in someone else's bed. Happy with someone else. Stings, doesn't it? It's supposed to. A constant reminder that you're worthless, just a big fuck you to everything you've tried to become, but failed miserably at. You know she doesn't give a damn about you anymore, she's moved on, and for her it was so easy. She just forgot about you and all your time together in a matter of days. Gone. You, on the other hand, will be stuck here forever. Forever.

You're right. But still... I can't stand the thought of someone else having what I want so badly, rubbing it in my face every second of my life. These thoughts are driving me towards something I fear more than anything else, becoming something so vile... 

It's not love, dear.

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