Sunday, October 28, 2012

The sinner

02.02 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
Bullet For My Valentine – Say Goodnight

I live my life in misery
I'd sacrifice this world to hold you 
No breathe left inside of me  
Shattered glass keeps falling

Dear diary,

It's gone quiet. For now, at least. I'm desperately searching for some clarity amidst this chaos, but no matter how hard I try, the haze won't lift from my eyes. I'm lost in a freezing blizzard, walking aimlessly across a neverending, snow-covered landscape. I see small glimpses of light in the horizon, but when I try to follow them they flicker and disappear. The hunger tears through my body, but it's a hunger not even the greatest of feasts can satisfy, I hunger for something more, something undefined, yet so familiar to me, though I do not know its name. 

Moments like these I pause for a while, take a deep breath, and then try to let it all out. Trying to spill every last thought in my mind, only to discover that no thought stays focused long enough to actuallt get it out before it disappears. I guess it's my curse, my burden to bear. Never being able to form anything out of what goes on inside my mind. I smile, I laugh, I play their stupid games, but for what? Only to go home alone, and find myself locked inside my head again, a dark, lonely prison where the warden wears a mask that bears the resemblance of my own face, but twisted and distorted, covered in shadows and bits of decayed skin. He only lets me out when I need to do something for him, working for nothing else than the promise of being locked away again at the end of the day. And I do it freely, because here, I am safe. Safe from anyone who tries to get in, the gates are closed and locked with so many locks no one has bothered to keep the keys to all of them, and those who have tried haven't made it far, the whole prison is full of traps and enemies, ready to tear innocent rescue teams apart. Here, I am safe. Nothing can hurt me, except myself, and it's a familiar kind of pain. After all this time, it has become more of a friend to me. Always ready to give me what I deserve.

It's gone quiet. But I know it's the calm before the storm, and it might strike fast. When I lay my head down on my pillow and close my eyes, I can hear the chains rattling deep down inside, the demons are pulling their shackles, getting ready to emerge from the depths to rain down fire on my mind, polluting my thoughts with visions of her with someone else, whispering to me how easily I was forgotten. I try to fight back, with chemicals I can't even pronounce the name of, x's and o's, bottles and pills. Their voices become distant, but they never, ever fade away completely. Always there, hiding somewhere in the dark corners, singing sick lullabies just loud enough to seep through the wall of meds I have built. I feel my heart pounding, even though it's supposed to do exactly the opposite. I guess the medical companies didn't include that in the list of contents. I know I shouldn't, I know it very well could be the end of me, cause' everyone keeps telling me so, but it's the only weapon I have left in this losing battle. Until I find a better one, or until the day of defeat, this'll have to do.

Not much is happening right now, just a lot of waiting as usual. Looks like I'll be able to get out of my apartment on the 15th of November, great news since I'll be getting back a portion of my rent that I paid for this month. I could use every single penny right now, desperate times when it comes to cash right now. I just need enough to pay off the first month's rent in our new apartment, then everything will have to work out in some way after that. It's just another adventure, one that I look forward to. But this waiting is driving me mad. Or madder than usually at least... 


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