Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Dancing with desire

12.42 PM, Boras, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

King Kobra – Dancing With Desire

I'm flirting with temptation
Coming close to complication now
Dancing with desire
You practice sweet seduction
And I'll follow your instruction now
Hangin' on the wire
Dancing with desire 

Dear diary,

Feeling pretty good today. Woke up with a smile on my face from dreaming about her, a nice change from the usual nightmares. Still having some chest pains though... I totally missed my doctor's appointment as well, maybe not the best idea but, hey. I guess they'll send me a new one. As much as I want to know how bad it is, I also feel that I'm better off not knowing, that way it'll all come as a surprise if something inside my body would stop functioning and hopefully it'll be over quick. I'd hate to suffer.

No plans for today, it's snowing like crazy here right now so I'm not in the mood for leaving the apartment, but it's so empty here right now so I'll probably join Jessica tonight at her place in town. A lot of waiting around right now, and we all know how patience really isn't my strong side... waiting for my drummer to move in, waiting for my furniture, waiting for a job, waiting to see her... at least I have something to look forward to, that keeps me going.

The separation anxiety is starting to wear off. Sure, there are times I actually miss her, late at night when I'm feeling weak, but then I remind myself I'm so much better off without her. The only thing that bothers me is her reluctance to talk about it. I can't lay it all to rest without talking about how fucked up everything came to be, but I know she'll never admit that she lied, she's too proud for that. I mean, after all we spent three years in an on-off relationship, and no matter how weird it was, no one but us will ever understand how much we meant to each other. How many good times we shared, amidst all the confusion. I think it's a shame to just bury all that without having someone to share it with. Right now it's just gone, with no return. She won't, and I won't if she won't. But maybe some people are better off dead. 

Gotta go take a shower, later y'all.

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