Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Something to believe in

00.40 AM, Boras, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Her Bright Skies – Diamonds 

"Cause' every minute
of every day,
I still know your taste
And I'm not living,
I just exist,
You wouldn't notice."

Dear diary,

Not much to report today either. Been writing some music today, a sudden strike of inspiration. Just waiting for my band to arrive and we'll put together the songs to a demo.
Planning on going to a gig this weekend, a band with some people I know are playing at a local restaurant, but to be honest I'm not really there for them, since a very special person is going to be there as well. Can't wait.

Pretty quiet inside my head today, the demons seem to be hiding at the moment, even been getting some non-chemically assisted sleep lately. Positive thoughts and images of her face help me fall asleep at night, that's a very welcome change. On another note, my hatred grows even stronger every passing minute. It'd be so easy to completely destroy her, and make the rest of her life a living hell, but I keep telling myself, is she worth it? Not sure about that, but since I know she's reading this on a regular basis,maybe I should leave a personal message? Haha, naah, the drama... ooh. I'm not even sure why I wan't to see her anymore, can't decide if it's to get it confirmed that she's a lying, false whore, or if it's to spit in her face, or to put it all to rest. Really can't decide, but hey, she's never gonna show up anyway so... I won't have to lift a finger even, people seem to be very negative towards her everywhere I go, without me having to tell them a single word about the whole situation. That's pretty convenient, gives me time to focus on better things, and better people.

I don't know... just over the course of the last few weeks, so much has changed. I find that december is the month where I choose to move on, it has been that way for the past five years. It's the time of the year where I bury my old self, piss on the grave and then move on to a better tomorrow. That feeling I've been having, that her presence in my life was like being a prison, that all my decisions were based on how she would react, and when I'm not having her circling above my head like a carrion swarm I can finally see clearly, and walk through all the doors that were closed to me before. And one of those doors lead me straight to her, an unexpected bump in the road that turned out to be a major turning point. After three years in an emotional ice age, caused by a deeply disturbed individual, something inside me has opened up, and the feeling is frightening at first, but then you get used to the idea of sharing your life with someone who completes you in all the ways the person before couldn't, and you take a step through the door, and then it shuts behind you. And suddenly, the sun shines through the clouds, strikes through that warped ribcage and unthaws the permafrost to discover that somewhere under that thick layer of cold ice, something is still beating. And it's been waiting for so long to beat for someone, and now the beat is getting stronger every day.

And at the end of the day, it turns out that "the man who couldn't love", just couldn't love you. 

Because you were never worth the sacrifice.

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