dying brokenhearted

 11 PM, Jönköping, Sweden

 

Everything is spinning. 

 

And we breathe, when you breathe. We are coming for you. 

So far away

8 PM, Düsseldorf, Germany

Dear diary,

Long time no see, right? I'm not really in the mood for clichés, so let's just move on. I can't even remember why I started writing in you again, as always, my head is full of thoughts, a thousand thougths rushing by in the speed of light, never slowing down enough for me to hang on to them. So I'm left with nothing. Nothing to write about, even though it's been more than two years since our last encounter. Even though my world is falling apart, even though there´s a million voices inside my head, all screaming, whispering. 

I despise what I've become. Not even my English serves me anymore, not like before where writing in English seemed as natural as writing in my own native language. I just can't focus, no matter how hard I try. They simply wont' let me.

 

Undo you

1 AM, Boras, Sweden

Dear diary,

It's all a matter of holding out as long as you can, until finally, you break and perish under the weight that has been building up. It's not a race against time, because you can't get away no matter how fast you run. Speed only blurs out the people passing by you on your way to your grave. Me, I run for the sake of getting there as fast as possible, and it won't be long now. Just around the bend...

When I close my eyes I see her. In my head, there's a movie playing and she's the star. Her new, happy life is shown to me, scene by fucking scene, and I'm not even in the credits. I miss her. I fucking miss her, and to her, I'm nothing. Not even a memory. Totally erased, forgotten, dismissed. A wrong turn, a mistake, thrown away down in the gutter. And I can't get up. I've been here for almost one and a half year now, and I can't get up. Every time I try, the memory of her lying in my arms, peacefully sleeping, drags me down to the fucking bottom. Down to the depths of hell. My medical condition is getting worse every day, I can actually feel it clouding my mind, a black, poisonous cloud engulfing everything, every rational thought, every small reason to be happy. I simply can't fight it anymore, and even if I would, it would be in vain. It has gone too far, it's in too deep. I can't kill it off without killing myself. It's not far away now, just around the bend...

And I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you...

Estranged

2.48 PM, Boras, Sweden

Today's soundtrack

The voices in my head.

Not even in my dreams can I be safe from them. Haunting, relentlessly.
I can't take it.


So fuck it. I'm off. So long. Goodbye. It's such a cliché, you know, leaving a note and shit. But this isn't a long letter where I tell everyone I love them. It's just a short notice, nothing special.

Because I never was. To Z and E - I'll see you in hell where you belong. And to everyone else - cheers.


Young at heart an it gets so hard to wait
When no one I know can seem to help me now
Old at heart but I musn't hesitate
If I'm to find my own way out

The search is over

9.03 PM, Boras, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Survivor – The Search Is Over

Now the miles stretch out behind me
Loves that I have lost
Broken hearts lie victims of the game
Then good luck it finally struck
Like lightning from the blue
Every highway leading me back to you

Dear diary,

Ugh, I really don't feel like writing in you, but I suppose I should. We have a lot to talk about.

I guess we have... you first.

It's all changed, just over the last week. Everything's different now. I've no time to get into details, you already know most of them anyway. She said yes. I still can't believe it. It's like walking around in a dream, knowing you're dreaming, but unable to wake up from it. Yet every kiss from her lips is telling me that I'm awake. She came over to our party on New Year's Eve, and the minute she walked through the door I had but one thing in my mind - I was going to share my bed with her that night. Said and done, we stood embraced in an alcohol-infused kiss as the first seconds of the new year were ticking away, and later that night, while looking into each others eyes, she said yes. She didn't care about how fucked up I told her I was, and that to me is what makes her so special. To wake up by her side was the best start of a new year I've ever had. I've been feeling so confused the last month, not knowing what to make of the feelings inside me, feelings that have been dead and buried for so long. Not since that day in 2005 that she left and everything caved in on me have I felt this way about another person. Not for any of them after, not for anyone before that. Until now.

Woah, woah... slow it down a bit, dude. What? She said yes? I guess she's in for one hell of a surprise. You're out of your mind, fella. Did you introduce me too? Didn't think so...


I have no words of describing how she makes me feel, everything is just spinning too fast right now to even begin to explain... Such a beautiful being, having her in my arms brings me a feeling of safety I have been dying to get back to for the last 8 years. Maybe everything between has just been a test to make me worthy of spending my time with someone like her. I survived, barely, and not without scars that'll always be there to remind me of the fucked up people that have tried to destroy me with their poisonous lies. But I'm still breathing. Heart still beating. Yeah, that's a big fuck you to all of you. Maybe not all, after all, some of you are still my friends, but mostly to you, Z. Fuck you and everything you did with me. It makes me want to throw up thinking about how close we were, and how nothing of it meant anything to you. How easy I was to throw away like yesterday's trash, how you lied and cheated your way through the last 6 months of our relationship, telling me you loved me, and then went straight into someone else's bed, spreading your legs like the cheap whore you are. I hope you die in agonizing pain.

I'm not saying that it'll be easy from now on. The ghosts are still inside my head, haunting, every single second of every single day. But now I have someone there for me who can chase them away, make them return into their dark corners and stay there for as long as she's with me. The light she's brought in has pierced through the dark clouds, and made the path in front of me so much easier to see, even though it's far from straight ahead. It'll surely have its bumps and wrong turns, but in the end I'll make my way to the end. I'm sure of it. Because now, I have you. And nothing else means anything.

Addicted

0.07 AM, Boras, Sweden

Today's soundtrack; Mumford & Sons – Sigh No More

Love it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you,
It will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be.
There is a design, an alignment, a cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

Dear diary,

I guess I've been neglecting you again. It's not on purpose... or maybe it is. I find it easier to hide what I'm really feeling when I'm not writing in you.

We both know what happens when you hold everything inside of you. It suffocates you, to the point where you feel your life slowly fading away, and you gasp for air, trying to reach for a hand that never will be there to grab you. You know that.

I know... and here I've been thinking I'm doing well the last few weeks, but it's all just accumulated and now I can't hold it in any longer. It hurts, it hurts like hell to see her so happy with someone else. There, I said it. Even though he's totally fuckin' hideous, it doesn't change the fact that he has what I wanted so bad just a couple of months ago. She'll always belong to me, no matter what happens. I've spent so much time getting under her skin, and now she ripped me out and threw me away, but I'll find a way back in again, I promise. The anger and hate still burns inside me, the desire for vengeance for what she did to me, the lies and the cowardly way of trying to get rid of me. I still hear people talking about her, they know exactly what I'm going through, cause' they can see so clearly what kind of fucked up person she is, it shines through whatever facade she is trying to put up. And still it's just a button to press to ruin the rest of her life. It might even be worth it just to see her suffer.

I can't argue with you on that, dude. She's a fucking monster, even I can see that. We should smack her around a bit, it would be fun, wouldn't it? A broken nose, some bruises? I'd laugh all the way.

Not very good for your reputation, beating women, ya know? Even if she'd deserve every punch.

The only think keeping me somewhat sane nowadays is her presence in my life. And still, I can't find the words to tell her how I feel, so afraid of being rejected. So many opportunities in my life have been wasted beacuse of that major flaw, not being able to handle being rejected. It's one of my biggest fears, and it's coming from my self-esteem being non-existent. It'd be such a hard blow to my ego, a blow which I might not recover from, ever. So I sit here quiet and wait, watching her every move like some psycho stalker, trying to interpret her actions, and fearing that all those words are meant for someone else. She's all I see I my dreams, all I can think of when I'm awake, and all I want is to hold her in my arms until we fall alseep, and then wake up by her side, once again feeling safe for the first time in years. I'd want our love to be wild and uncontrollable, not perfect, I'd want us to burn together in a wild firestorm, feeding off the flames and the chaos, making our home deep inside where no one can hurt us ever again. The idea of living my life together with someone else was totally different to me just half a year ago, but now... I can imagine a future with someone like her. I'd still be fighting with the sickness inside of me, it would still try to drag me down to hell with it, every single day - but with her love and support it'd be a war worth waging. Now, it's pointless. I've stopped struggling, in the end it makes no difference anyway, I'll always end up at the bottom of the spiral, no matter how high I climb and what victories I claim. I feel like a lost child, searching for the loving arms of his mother, someone to hold him and press their lips to his forehead and silently whisper into his ear that everything, everything is going to be alright.

Just by feeling this way, I've already won. In just a matter of weeks, she awoke something inside of me that Z never managed to do in three years - simply because she was never worth the struggle. I'll never deny the part she played in my life, but I'm never going to acknowledge it if she doesn't, and she never will. The way she erased me so easily has made it impossible to ever feel anything for what we had, it's three years right down the drain. But in the end, I'll always win. Always. Cunt.

Dance to another tune

8 PM, Boras, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sPl2-F-39Eo

Det jag vill ha kan inte köpas
Inte stjälas, få till låns
Det jag vill ha kan inte ägas
Det är så mycket större än så
Jag kastar pappersplan från höghus
Mot en gnista gömd i snön
Jag måste tro att det kan hända
Jag måste drömma min egen dröm
För du och jag ska aldrig dö
Nej du och jag ska aldrig dö

Dear diary,

Had a great weekend, still a bit hungover though. My guitarist came here on Friday, had a couple of beers and talked a lot about the band's future, always feels good to have someone to share your vision with, and we're very much on the same level when it comes to ideas and plans. Later in the evening we were also joined by Alexi, a friend of mine who's also a musician, we got drunk and had a good time just talking memories. Got up on Saturday and started drinking again, later on we were joined by Emma and Rebecka, then went down to the gig. Not that into the music, but like I said, that wasn't the main reason to go there. Met a lot of old friends from Boras that I haven't seen in two years, and after the gig we all went back to my place for the afterparty. Got a bit loud, complaints from the neighbour, but all in all we had a great time, many new faces as well which is nice, made friends with a few of them. And I didn't have to sleep alone, a very welcome change considering who I shared my bed with.

All in all, I'm doing pretty well right now, mentally at least. I know, I know, it seems like every time I say I'm doing fine, it's only a matter of hours until everything turns around and I'm sent back to the depths of Hell again. But surrounding myself with a lot of awesome, supportive people is my way of dealing with this situation, and that warm feeling inside that's getting bigger every passing minute, of course. Someone new to focus all my attention on.

Gotta go get some sleep, tired as fuck. Later y'all.

Something to believe in

00.40 AM, Boras, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Her Bright Skies – Diamonds 

"Cause' every minute
of every day,
I still know your taste
And I'm not living,
I just exist,
You wouldn't notice."

Dear diary,

Not much to report today either. Been writing some music today, a sudden strike of inspiration. Just waiting for my band to arrive and we'll put together the songs to a demo.
Planning on going to a gig this weekend, a band with some people I know are playing at a local restaurant, but to be honest I'm not really there for them, since a very special person is going to be there as well. Can't wait.

Pretty quiet inside my head today, the demons seem to be hiding at the moment, even been getting some non-chemically assisted sleep lately. Positive thoughts and images of her face help me fall asleep at night, that's a very welcome change. On another note, my hatred grows even stronger every passing minute. It'd be so easy to completely destroy her, and make the rest of her life a living hell, but I keep telling myself, is she worth it? Not sure about that, but since I know she's reading this on a regular basis,maybe I should leave a personal message? Haha, naah, the drama... ooh. I'm not even sure why I wan't to see her anymore, can't decide if it's to get it confirmed that she's a lying, false whore, or if it's to spit in her face, or to put it all to rest. Really can't decide, but hey, she's never gonna show up anyway so... I won't have to lift a finger even, people seem to be very negative towards her everywhere I go, without me having to tell them a single word about the whole situation. That's pretty convenient, gives me time to focus on better things, and better people.

I don't know... just over the course of the last few weeks, so much has changed. I find that december is the month where I choose to move on, it has been that way for the past five years. It's the time of the year where I bury my old self, piss on the grave and then move on to a better tomorrow. That feeling I've been having, that her presence in my life was like being a prison, that all my decisions were based on how she would react, and when I'm not having her circling above my head like a carrion swarm I can finally see clearly, and walk through all the doors that were closed to me before. And one of those doors lead me straight to her, an unexpected bump in the road that turned out to be a major turning point. After three years in an emotional ice age, caused by a deeply disturbed individual, something inside me has opened up, and the feeling is frightening at first, but then you get used to the idea of sharing your life with someone who completes you in all the ways the person before couldn't, and you take a step through the door, and then it shuts behind you. And suddenly, the sun shines through the clouds, strikes through that warped ribcage and unthaws the permafrost to discover that somewhere under that thick layer of cold ice, something is still beating. And it's been waiting for so long to beat for someone, and now the beat is getting stronger every day.

And at the end of the day, it turns out that "the man who couldn't love", just couldn't love you. 



Because you were never worth the sacrifice.

Hang on tight

3.20 PM, Boras, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Her Bright Skies – I'll Be For You 

"I'll be the flowers that they place on your casket
I'll be the love that we knew would never last it
I'll be the moon when the last sun is setting
I'll be for you
I'll be for you "

Dear diary,

Nothing much to report, everything's pretty boring right now. Just waiting around, as usual. Been planning a lot for the band's future, creating new profiles on different social networks and so on. We'll make it. We have to.

Pretty strong feelings of separation anxiety today. Amidst all the hate I feel towards her, I still just want to sit down and talk about it. I'll never be able to put it to rest without that. But once again, she's too much of a coward for that to happen. And that just provokes me even more, turning into a spiral of hate and misery, but also a strong determination to prove her wrong and make her suffer the way she has made me suffer. An eye for an eye.

Never wound what you can't kill, sweetie.

Thorn within

1.02 AM, Boras, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

 Metallica – Thorn Within


Forgive me father
For I have sinned
Find me guilty when true guilt is from within

So point your fingers
Point right at me
For I am shadows and will follow you
One and the same are we 

Dear diary,

Spent last night at Jessica's place together with Louis and Gabriella, had some to eat and just talked all night, slept together all four in a bed. It feels so good to be able to do stuff like that, back in Jönköping I had no one to spend time with, so I got stuck with myself and my murderous mind. I'm not saying it has become any better, or any less murderous for that matter, but now at least I'm not fighting alone. Soon I'll be joined by my bandmates as well, makes it's easiser to focus on the journey we're about to embark on together. Nothing's gonna stop us now.

Sleeping alone tonight, we'll see how that works out. Chest pains still won't go away, but no blood from strange places at least. Looks like I'll be able to see her next week, feels like it's gonna be really awkward, but looking forward to it anyway. You never know, miracles do happen every once in a while. Night y'all.