Addicted

0.07 AM, Boras, Sweden

Today's soundtrack; Mumford & Sons – Sigh No More

Love it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you,
It will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be.
There is a design, an alignment, a cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be

Dear diary,

I guess I've been neglecting you again. It's not on purpose... or maybe it is. I find it easier to hide what I'm really feeling when I'm not writing in you.

We both know what happens when you hold everything inside of you. It suffocates you, to the point where you feel your life slowly fading away, and you gasp for air, trying to reach for a hand that never will be there to grab you. You know that.

I know... and here I've been thinking I'm doing well the last few weeks, but it's all just accumulated and now I can't hold it in any longer. It hurts, it hurts like hell to see her so happy with someone else. There, I said it. Even though he's totally fuckin' hideous, it doesn't change the fact that he has what I wanted so bad just a couple of months ago. She'll always belong to me, no matter what happens. I've spent so much time getting under her skin, and now she ripped me out and threw me away, but I'll find a way back in again, I promise. The anger and hate still burns inside me, the desire for vengeance for what she did to me, the lies and the cowardly way of trying to get rid of me. I still hear people talking about her, they know exactly what I'm going through, cause' they can see so clearly what kind of fucked up person she is, it shines through whatever facade she is trying to put up. And still it's just a button to press to ruin the rest of her life. It might even be worth it just to see her suffer.

I can't argue with you on that, dude. She's a fucking monster, even I can see that. We should smack her around a bit, it would be fun, wouldn't it? A broken nose, some bruises? I'd laugh all the way.

Not very good for your reputation, beating women, ya know? Even if she'd deserve every punch.

The only think keeping me somewhat sane nowadays is her presence in my life. And still, I can't find the words to tell her how I feel, so afraid of being rejected. So many opportunities in my life have been wasted beacuse of that major flaw, not being able to handle being rejected. It's one of my biggest fears, and it's coming from my self-esteem being non-existent. It'd be such a hard blow to my ego, a blow which I might not recover from, ever. So I sit here quiet and wait, watching her every move like some psycho stalker, trying to interpret her actions, and fearing that all those words are meant for someone else. She's all I see I my dreams, all I can think of when I'm awake, and all I want is to hold her in my arms until we fall alseep, and then wake up by her side, once again feeling safe for the first time in years. I'd want our love to be wild and uncontrollable, not perfect, I'd want us to burn together in a wild firestorm, feeding off the flames and the chaos, making our home deep inside where no one can hurt us ever again. The idea of living my life together with someone else was totally different to me just half a year ago, but now... I can imagine a future with someone like her. I'd still be fighting with the sickness inside of me, it would still try to drag me down to hell with it, every single day - but with her love and support it'd be a war worth waging. Now, it's pointless. I've stopped struggling, in the end it makes no difference anyway, I'll always end up at the bottom of the spiral, no matter how high I climb and what victories I claim. I feel like a lost child, searching for the loving arms of his mother, someone to hold him and press their lips to his forehead and silently whisper into his ear that everything, everything is going to be alright.

Just by feeling this way, I've already won. In just a matter of weeks, she awoke something inside of me that Z never managed to do in three years - simply because she was never worth the struggle. I'll never deny the part she played in my life, but I'm never going to acknowledge it if she doesn't, and she never will. The way she erased me so easily has made it impossible to ever feel anything for what we had, it's three years right down the drain. But in the end, I'll always win. Always. Cunt.