Thursday, August 27, 2009


9.47 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • Dubmood - various tracks
Dear diary,

All of a sudden I feel the need to change who I am... I can't explain it too well, but I'm getting the feeling that everything I do, I do wrong. I behave wrong, I act wrong, I say the wrong things... everything I am, I need to change into... I don't know, something better? More mature, more educated, more articulate, more self-aware and secure. I look at other people, and the way the act, the things they say, and I want to be them so bad. Not them but their persona, and the way they carry themselves throughout life. I carry so many different faces, adapt my personality to whatever changes come into my everyday life. I'm a different person for every situation imaginable, a thousand masks to change between. And it has only taken me so far. Don't get me wrong, I never wanna grow up. I never want to be considered as an adult, at least not in some meanings of the word. But I want to behave more mature, even if that means that I have to drop some of my beloved interests, that by definition are "childish" or "immature". And I still havenät decided if that is a far too great loss.

I feel... translucent. As if people can see right through me, like thin mist. Sure, I have a personality... but what impression do I make on others? How do they see me? I'm not sure, but I'm getting the feeling that most people don't take me seriously. And I can't have it that way. Something has to be done, that's for sure. But I still haven't figured out what it is yet.

Other than that... things are the same as always. I give the "meaningless subsistence" a new face.
And I can't have it like that.

1 comment:

  1. Du är en av de mest seriösa personerna jag känner Sid, och en av de jag lyssnar mest på när vi väl träffas. Du är inte ensam om att känna som om att du ändrar dig till situationen, det kallas att vara mångsidig, jag delar den egenskapen. Det gäller bara att känna sig bekväm med det.

    I'm fighting alongside you.