Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Crash into me

5.35 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
Dear diary,

I guess I'm having one of those days when everything seems to go wrong. Well, not everything, but pretty much. Woke up at 1 PM, and the day started great since I woke up beside Louis who had spent the night here. But even though her presence usually makes me calm, I couldn't help feeling like something wasn't right. That feeling became more and more present as time went by, and I started shaking, feeling paranoid and just... insecure. I had to go to the juvenile reception today, no explanation needed, so we went downtown, and being around people isn't really the smartest thing to do when I'm feeling like this. I'm getting more and more trouble being outside of my apartment, among other people or in crowds. I feel so uncomfortable, like everyone's staring at me because of the way I look, or the way I behave. I think they can see my low self esteem, like I'm wearing it as a second skin, and they take advantage of it. At least it feels that way. Days like these, I just want to crawl underneath my sheets and stay there until everything feels normal again... which it, of course, never really does. I'm glad Louis was with me today, otherwise I would've panicked and fled into some place where people couldn't find me, a library or something that doesn't have so many people in it. Also, we celebrated one month together today, which feels great. I've never fallen in love with someone this fast before, it's both frightening and wonderful at the same time.

It's such a major fucking disability, this insecurity that's been plaguing me for all those years. People say that it usually goes away when you get older, but for me it has only gotten worse. How the hell am I supposed to manage the position of a lead singer when I feel like this? Standing in the spotlight, all eyes on me? Right now, even the thought of it scares the hell out of me. But I guess I'll have to handle it just like everything else. Wear my confidence as a false mask... put on that fake smile, stiffen up that upper lip and get on with the show. Just like my everyday life, just a big fucking fake, a lie. Few people have seen what lingers beyond that facade, and those people have all disappeared from my life, in one or another way. I can only pray that I don't mess this up again, that she doesn't leave me because of this heavy weight I'm carrying around. I'd like to get help, I want to get helped, but that means I have to find help myself, and my pride stops me from doing that. I'm ok. I'm ok...

I'm off to bed now, gonna try and sleep through this and see if things get better when I wake up again. Later.


  1. congratulations to you and Louis! I'm really happy that you have someone new :) do you live in borås now? haven't seen you, that's why i was wondering. i know this will sound stupid but i kind of miss you!

  2. Thanks sweetheart, it feels great :)

    Yeah, been living here for a month now or so, but I rarely go outside, because of the various issues you can read about here. You know what, I feel exactly the same. You were always such an interesting person, and I miss talking to you.