Tuesday, August 11, 2009

If we cry we will rust

8.26 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • a lot of Mötley, Guns N' Roses and Monster Magnet
Dear diary,

Today has been quite unusual. Yesterday I decided I'd try to go to bed earlier, so I feel asleep around 8 PM in the evening. I had some laundry to do in the morning and had set the alarm clock to 6.30, but I honestly didn't believe I would wake up. But I did, and I got up, had some coffee, got the laundry done and then stayed awake until it was time to go downtown and join Louis and her friend My for dinner at Louis's place. I'm tired as hell right now, but it feels kinda' nice to be honest. The nights are my time of the day, but it's a dysfunctional life to live. Everyone's usually asleep at night except me, so the nights are lonely, which really isn't good for my mental stability right now. So I'm giving this a shot now, trying to be awake during the day instead of going to bed around 10 AM every day. Let's see how long I can maintain before falling back into old habits again.

It didn't go without some trouble though, I'm not used to being outside when there's so many people around, and I felt insecure and freaked out while walking down to the city on my own, it felt like everyone was looking at me like I'm some freak that doesn't belong in society. I feel that way all the time now, like I have to hide from all the people because of the way I look, or because of the way I act. I just feel so helpless... it wasn't long ago I actually felt good about myself and could handle being around people, but now... it's just a nightmare. But I'm trying to learn to handle it again, and maybe being awake during daytime will help too. On the way back home, me and Louis visited her friend Gabriella at the hospital, she's been ill for some time but felt better and was transferred from the hospital in Varberg to the one here in Borås. I also met Sebastian who had been keeping her company during the afternoon, and we sat outside and talked for a while until I had to go to the store before it closed. And now I'm sitting here, about to go to bed and missing Louis badly. She really makes this all worthwhile, and I miss her every second I'm away from her. Sometimes I pinch myself just to see if I'm awake or if this is only a dream, but so far it seems real... but still, too good to be true. I'm just gonna shut up now...

Night. (8.50 PM, DAMN I'm good.)

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