Tuesday, November 13, 2012


2.00 AM, Jonkoping, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;

Great White – Save Your Love

And here in my heart,
where no one else will ever be
I know who you are,
so lock the door
and throw away the key

Dear diary,

Not much to say about today, really. Had nightmares the whole night, constantly drifting in and out of sleep, so have been walking around in a coma all day long. Can't remember the last time I had a full night's sleep. Probably the last time she slept by my side. She's the only one who could make it all stop. Well, not all of it... but enough to let sleep embrace me for a whole night. I really don't know what to write here, my mind is not with me tonight. Feels like my head is padded with cotton, and I have trouble with my sight, but I think that's just the side effects from the meds. Not sure what it is, and I don't really want to know. I trust the guy, it is what it is.

Still waiting for the results to come back. Did the mistake of telling someone else about my personal hell, partly because she asked about it, and partly because I still am dumb enough to think someone else would understand. I know I'm gonna disappoint her too, just like everyone else. They all say the same things, but they don't know what it's like. They don't know I'm trapped, that I can't do anything about it. But they keep on telling me those things...

I wonder if he's smarter than me. Or better in bed. Probably both.

Probably? For sure, dickhead. It ain't hard being better than you, we both know that. So yeah, naturally, he's better in all the ways you could never be. Hurts, doesn't it? It's supposed to, you need to know your place in the gutter. Don't ever forget about it.

I still have that stupid photo of her that she gave me for Christmas. She told me to burn it, I think I might just do that. Not much to look at anyway...
Gonna go find me something for the chest pain, it won't go away. I hope my heart stops in my sleep, that way I won't even notice. Just go peacefully. I've nothing left to live for anyway.

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