Friday, November 9, 2012


11.08, In the middle of nowhere, Sweden

 Today's soundtrack;

Stone Sour – Gone Sovereign

Dear diary,

I really don't know what to say anymore. It seems as if me writing in you makes it worse, people reading this diary and making up their own versions of the truth. Fuck 'em. I'm tired of it all... but mostly, I'm still scared. Took the courage to actually go to my doctor's appointment today. Don't know why I booked it, cause' if I tell them the truth, they'll lock me up. So I lied to them today. I told them about the pain in my stomach, told them about the blood in the urine, told them about the lack of appetite the last month, told them about the dizziness... but I didn't tell thgem of the nice lil' cocktail of pills I swallow every night to make the pain go away. I knew what he was gonna say anyway, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what is going on. He sent me to take some tests, and I'm waiting for the results. I know what they'll say, I'm only interested in how bad it is. The pills have fucked up my kidneys, they can't stand the constant abuse. I've read the symptoms a hundred times already, it all fits in. Maybe they've stopped working, and they'll have to replace them. 

Fuck that, I'd rather die a slow death than have someone elses organs inside my body. Besides, he said that the waiting list was a couple of years, that they had trouble finding suitable donors... and since my blood group is so unusual, it's even worse. My head is spinning, I just can't take it in. And amidst all this, she decides to write about me again, telling everyone she's gonna be so happy without me. Like I needed her to rub it in my face. So hostile, so different. We used to be so close, you know? And now... nothing. When I need someone the most, no one's there. Alone. Always alone.

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