Tuesday, June 30, 2009


03.35 AM, Falköping, Sweden

Dear diary.

Once again, I fail to write in you as often as I should. Instead of putting my life on paper (or on screen, actually), I keep things inside, where they build up a pressure that sooner or later will cause an explosion. And that wouldn't be a pretty sight. So, let's start with the catching up...

I came home yesterday late on the evening after spending the week in Borlänge at the Peace & Love festival. Instead of telling you what happened day by day (which I, for the record, really can't remember) I'm just gonna say that it was both good and bad, in many different ways. First and foremost, the hot weather was a real problem. I can't endure heat or sunlight for too long, for reasons I'll keep to myself for now, so I had to take some necessary action to prevent myself from self-igniting. As a result of this, the whole week was spent in an uncomfortable mood that made the whole experience a bit less pleasant. I'm looking forward to winter, to say the least. Another problem was the need of a place to sleep, which wasn't really taken care of until I came to Borlänge on Monday. I had a girlfriend in Falun, which is just about 15 miles away from Borlänge, and she offered me accomodation. There was a lot of travelling back and forth between the two cities the past week, but all in all it was worth it for the reason of having access to a shower and a mirror to maintain my vanity.

Most of the time in Borlänge was spent outside the festival. I slept the second night on the camping area together with Ronja, whom I'd met the first day, but got kicked out of the tent by her angry, far too drunk friend. We decided to go back to her home in Rättvik instead, which is about 30 miles away from Borlänge, and I then spent the following day and night there, and the rest of the days I slept in Falun during the nights (days). It felt better than expected to finally meet Ronja and we really had a good time together during the festival and at her place. I noticed I could relax around her, which is a rare thing for me to do with people I've recently met, and I suppose we found a mutual understanding for each other, both physically and mentally... The rest of the days are lost in a drunken haze, all I can remember is the heat, and the nights spent on partying with my friends in Sister, who had a smaller version of the "heavy metal parking lot" going on at a parking in Borlänge. It was great meeting all those bands... Panzer Princess, Vietcong Pornsurfers, Leaded Fuel, Lizzy Pistol and many more, I believe I made some great contacts there, and also talked about a gig together with Sister, Panzer Princess and Vietcong Pornsurfers in Falun this autumn.

I saw only two concerts on the whole week, which was less than planned, but Mötley Crüe alone made it worth the 1500 SKR the ticket cost me. I was psyched to finally see them, and though the show wasn't that great, it is a concert I'll always remember. The didn't play all their hits and seemed to be a bit tired of the whole thing, but hey - they're all in their fifties now, and probably off both cocaine and speed. Or maybe they didn't think Sweden was worth spending their energy on. The second band I saw was Turbonegro, which was a far more energetic gig. The frontman is a pure genius when it comes to pleasing the crowd, and Turbonegro plays fuckin' brilliant rock n' roll, so I was happy that I decided to watch them.

So we went back on Sunday, me, Erik and Linus, had a quick stop in Nora to meet one of Linus relatives, and then got home around 10 P.M. on the evening. It was kind of like waking up from a long, and sometimes nightmare-like, dream. During the week I have had no problems with anything but the heat, and some other things, but back home again, the demons laid waiting for me, and attacked me without mercy. I had been feeling uneasy during the week, but blamed it on the tension of meeting all the new people and having to spend time in large crowds, but it became clear that it was only the surface of all things that turned out to become a major panic attack. Luckily I found some sleeping pills at home, and managed to knock myself out before the hallucinations began. I'm not in any condition to try and understand what it is that makes me panic this time, and I don't even think I want to know, but I suppose it has something to do with all the chaos that is constantly going on inside my mind. So many things float around inside my head that I'm constantly getting lost in my own thoughts, unable to focus on anything but the present. Things turn up when I least expect them to, and memories resurface and make everything even more chaotic.

I'm starting to believe that everything I have to suffer happens for a reason, that somewhere there is a God or deity that has a plan for me, and that plan is leading straight into the pits of Hell, where I am doomed to suffer for all eternity. I should be looking forward to moving in to my new apartment in Borås this Friday, but all I can focus on is all the anxiety and anguish I'm experiencing. The worst thing is not knowing why I'm feeling this way, kinda' like dying from cancer without any knowledge about the disease or how to stop it. I know I need help - I just don't think anyone can help me. In this case I'm my own worst enemy, but the only one who could put an end to all the screaming inside my head.

...or not really the only one... There is someone, someone I've put my trust in once again, someone who makes my days a bit brighter, and my life worth living. She knows who she is, just by reading this, and I'm counting the days until we can meet again, finally.
And just for the record, it seems like Tina is single again. I wonder why. And I hope this doesn't cause any trouble for me, it would be typical for me to ruin something like this...

I'm just rambling on and on, I should probably try and get some sleep instead. I had an idea of making this blog more worthwhile for people reading it, so maybe I'll start with giving tips about music and stuff like that. Or maybe I'm just gonna make this my own personal sex-blog, with pictures and stories of my sex life. Or maybe not...

Ah, what the hell, night everyone...

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