Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Grey would be the color

13.15 PM, Falköping, Sweden

Dear diary.

This is insanity at it's core.

First thing's first - I went to Jönköping yesterday, as planned, things went well, we had a chat with our band counselor and planned the next meeting and so on, then I took the bus to Borås. arrived there at 5 PM, met Jessica, Sebastian and Louis, had trouble finding the office of Borås Bostäder, got there, signed the contract, then went to the station and took the bus back to Falköping. Everything went exactly as planned, except for... pretty much everything. The night before, I'd accidentally mixed pills to ease allergic symptoms with Tradolan, which is a heavy sedative - and the result wasn't very good. I could barely stay awake, I had trouble with my balance, I couldn't breathe at some times, and had a terrible headache. It felt like my head was padded in thick sheets of cotton, so the day became a nightmare. I tried my best to keep my face in front of everyone, and probably failed miserably. To everyone - I'm sorry, it wasn't my intention to be that way.

After I'd been and signed my contract, Louis told me she had to go meet someone, and that I had to wait there until she had gone away, and I instantly understood why - she should meet with Tina, and I waited patiently, then left after a few minutes so I wouldn't have to see her, and just as I went out the door, she came walking back with Louis. I didn't even give her a glance, just went on to the station. Maybe she was just curious how ugly and unattractive I'd become since she left me, Jessica told me she wanted to ask her something really meaningless, so maybe that was just the case...

Also, it turned out I can't move in on Friday. For some fucked up reason, the guy who canceled his contract still lives in the apartment, so I can't move in until 1st of July, hopefully earlier. And that didn't make things a whole lot better. I went back to Falköping, got home, had a handful of Imovanes, and passed out. Slept for 20 hours straight... actually, it isn't really sleeping, it's more like a coma, with the single exception being that you're still able to dream. Nightmares, that is... I woke up with a terrible headache... my heart hurts, and when I draw breath, it feels like my chest is about to collapse. I know what it is, and I can't blame anyone but myself. Overdosing on pills have become a habit to me, and when I'm in that moment of panic and fear, I don't think about the consequences, I just want to make the noices in my head go away, make everything go away, so I can sleep. But not even sleep is a comfort any longer, when I drift away into dreaming, I'm still in hell. Dreams of me dying in the most horrific ways, dreams of her, dreams of everyone I've ever met, lost love, screaming, dying. I wake up from one hell, just to draw breath in another. And yesterdays events is what finally has pushed me off the edge. I can no longer see any light in my future, just this darkness that is spiraling around, faster and faster. Most people would say "Come on, it's not that bad, you're being childish.", but then again - they can't understand what Hell is like if they've never been there.

My vision is blurry... I know I should try to eat something, but I can't. I'm not hungry, still it has been more than 24 hours since I last had something to eat. I'm all alone at home this week, Erik went away to Sweden Rock Festival, so it won't be necessary to try and pretend that all is well in front of him. As much as I would like someone to come here and help me, I know I won't allow anyone to. They would only end up hurt, 'cause I'm too far gone for anyone to help me now. I accept it, because I'm really the only one to blame for this sorry mess I've become. This is only a way for my body and mind to tell me that my war is over, and that I've lost, and now has to suffer the consequences - even if they mean that I pass away. Nothing really matters anyway, it's all just a big game, life. Sometimes you lose, sometimes you win, but it doesn't make any difference - we're all in it together, and we can never quit until the day we die, and some other poor fuck takes our place in the big circle. I won't fight it anymore... I'm gonna embrace it like my own this time, and let it take me wherever it wants to.

I give up - yeah, I know, I'm sorry - but I can't move on. You'll understand.

These days are closing in
The end has become apparent
We're only here for so long
Will anyone remember my name
When time has washed away the dust of our ashes
When my head rests in a velvet lined casket
What's out there?
What is my eternal fate?
And it only just recently hit me
That this life is just a state
Mortality fading, like the innocence of love
I'm scared to death of what's to become

Of my immortal soul of this eternal flame
Will you remember?
Will your heart sing with pain?
Who calls out my name?
And tell me what happens
When my eyes close for the last time
Does it all simply end in a blanket of darkness
And what of my soul, what of my soul?

All those things that you couldn't say
You should've said
All those I-love-you's lost
Weighed more like lead on your chest


  1. I´m really sorry things turned out the way they did, I didn´t mean to make you feel bad. Sorry.

  2. Hey, it's not your fault sweetheart, don't feel sorry.

  3. Jag blir orolig för dig Sid.
    Du vet att du alltid kan ringa mig när det är jobbigt. Det är inte lätt att prata med någon när man inte mår bra jag vet, men jag finns här.

    Jag hoppas också vi kan träffas snart igen :3

  4. Tack sötnos. Jag är ensam hela veckan fram till söndag, så vi kan träffas när du vill.