Friday, June 5, 2009

Everything you touch

4.35 PM, Falköping, Sweden

Dear diary.

Destroy everything you touch today

Destroy me this way
Anything that may desert you
So it cannot hurt you

You only have to look behind you
At who's undermined you
Destroy everything you touch today
Destroy me this way

Everything you touch you don't feel
Do not know what you steal
Shakes your hand
Takes your gun
Walks you out of the sun

I just had another one of those conversations with Marlene that leaves me completely devastated afterwards... starts out just fine, we're polite and talking about normal things, but then suddenly it all turns around and we're starting to argue over all the things that happened in the past. I'm telling her I want to be her friend, and she just gives me the silent treatment, so I start telling her she doesn't care about me, and then the war starts... leaving me crying, miserable and fucked up...

I don't even know why I bother talking to her anymore... she has clearly forgotten all that we had once, and I'm nothing to her nowadays. It gets me so fucking mad, and I want to destroy everything around me, break out of my shell and become that sad fuck I was before, not thinking about any consequences, just act out of anger and wrath and take what I want. I can't stand the thought of being denied my feelings by anyone, her the least. She can't stop me from missing her, can't stop me from wanting her - even if it's just a stupid dream or fragments of my old self wanting to break free.

I feel like the fucking Hulk, when I get mad it's like a fire inside me, that grows stronger and stronger for each second, consumes everything that tells me reason and to act right, and I become this monster, bent on revenging himself and everything he has lost. It's both frightening and rejuvenating at the same time. I have the power in my hands to destroy so many things, to end peoples lives, to make them mine, and yet I still have my boundaries. But what happens when I cross these boundaries, when the cage is to small to fit all the rage and anger? I fear I will become an animal once again... all because of this...

I'm gonna go sedate myself with what's left of my zopiklon, it should make all of this stop...

See y'all in hell

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