Wednesday, June 3, 2009

If I had a heart

04.15 AM, Falköping, Sweden

Dear diary.

There couldn't have been a more fitting title for today's post, or is it tonight's perhaps?
'Cause I can't feel my heart. It's beating, but I can't feel it. Only had a few pills tonight... I guess I'm still dizzy from last nights overdose...

Today has been chaotic, and at the same time very calm... woke up around 11 PM... been spending the day on the couch, trying to ease the pain from my chest and my heart. Johanna came by in the evening to cut my hair, so now I can see again without having a long fringe in the way. It's funny how I've never really spent time with her alone, I've always been in the company of others when I've met her, so now I felt awkward trying to make conversation with her, and as I always do, tried to avoid eye-contact. I need to wean that habit.

So the evening had a surprise waiting for me... all of a sudden I had a new message at bilddagboken, saying "sid, sid, how are you?" from a girl I didn't recognize. After a few messages it all became clear - it was Caroline, my second girlfriend I had when I was around 16 years old. We hadn't heard from each other in 6 years, and I never bothered to try and make contact 'cause I thought she would just ignore me. We spent the whole evening and night talking, and it made me feel really good. She has changed, matured, into this beautiful woman... and she clearly made the same impact on me tonight as she did when I first met her all those years ago. She currently lives in Lund, studying theology, but we both agreed we had to meet soon and grab a coffee and just talk about everything that's been going on in our lives.

Later in the evening, I started getting text messages from a very drunk girl - the same girl I met last weekend. As we all know you get very voluble when under the influence of alcoholic substances, and she told me all these things about her wanting to see me again, and having feelings for me and so on. Very cute, but I think she'll regret those words tomorrow... or maybe not. She's attractive, nice and interesting in many ways, and that's just the problem with me...
Me and my heart. This is the same issue that has been going on since I first started having relationships, that fucked up desire to try everything and everyone, the feeling on missing out on everything when you're tied up to someone else. I never stop searching for new experiences, experiences in the form of new people, and all the times I've cheated on someone, it has been solely for that reason. Often it turns out that the grass isn't really greener on the other side, and that you've made a mistake, and have to live with it.

I already know where my heart wants to be, and I believe that girl feels the same for me, so why should I hesitate? I never seem to get fully satisfied, even when things are to good to be true. I don't want to be that fucked up person, I don't want to hurt anyone again. Maybe I need to stick to the thought that I need to shelter myself from others, so that I won't leave them scarred. But that means I have to live my whole life alone, and I would never make it through that alive... Everyone keeps pulling me everywhere, everyone wants a piece of my heart, and I can't understand why. I'm not really that attractive any longer, I don't have anything special to get someones attention, still I'm getting offers from a whole shitload of girls... offers that I more often than not take advantage of with the purpose of getting laid, but with this girl it's something different. She sees through all of the bullshit, straight into me, and even if she has a thousand reasons to run at the bare sight of me, she still stands there. And that is what my heart has been longing for, a soulmate, a companion, a lover - one who's joining the fight against the world and all it's inequities, you two together as a unit, a combined force. And even if all the other girls are tempting, both with their bodies and their personalities, I need to think about what's most important for me - to feel joy for a night, or to feel joy with someone for a long time.

I shouldn't be making plans for the future like this... you can never tell what is going to happen, and I'll probably end up miserable and heartbroken anyway, just like always.
The conversation with Caroline had a nice lil' side-effect... I didn't take any sleeping pills, 'cause talking to her made my mind think positive thoughts, so now I feel tired without any form of chemicals, except those still in my system. So I'm just gonna fall asleep now and dream about everything that could have been, everything that maybe will be, and everything that is. And baby, you're a part of it all.

Night ladies

1 comment:

  1. Don't go breaking her heart, she meant every word... trust me, I know.