Monday, September 14, 2009

Crucify your love

7.39 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • Icon And The Black Roses - Crucify Your Love
He is feeling a little bit tired
Of all these disguises he wears to conceal the truth
But now he truly realizes the fully compromise
He took hand in hand with him

Crawl down and take a fall
It’s the fear of what's to come
Maybe he doesn’t know it

There was this little child that used to crawl in the dark
And still had fun
While he listened hours and hours to his midnight radio
And his favourite rock n roll bands

So long he's waited, he feels the wind blows him to his special fate
Hold on does he see?
Watch him does he believe,
Behind these walls there's a whole world to take

Dear diary,

So, I've been quite busy... ah, fuck it. I'll just stop trying to come up with worthless excuses for not writing as often as I should. So here's how it is.

Some things just don't turn out the way you want. People call it "life", and that it is a lesson that all people have to learn, sooner or later. It's a cliché, really, but nevertheless true. I've sure as hell learned my lesson by now. Everything has turned out to be a major fucking disaster. This road I walk upon, this life I choose to live... it has taken me nowhere. For a while I thought I was doing really well, I could feel air beneath my wings, but then I woke up and realized my wings were made of lead, and that I was going down in flames. So I did what I could to save my sorry ass, which means I grabbed the only parachute left and took a leap out into thin air. And now I'm on my way down, waiting for the parachute to unfold. With my luck, it'll probably be full of holes, or maybe I'll get shot down by anti aircraft-fire. What I'm trying to say here is... Fuck. I really don't know.

I told Louis today that I needed some time alone. Some time to figure out what the hell is wrong with me, and what I need to do with this life of mine. I know I can't go on like this, running blindfolded in an neverending maze, constantly smashing my bloodied head into concrete walls. I don't want to leave her, I really don't, 'cause my feelings for her are true. She gives me much comfort and makes me feel safe, but I'm the great issue here. If I can't give her anything back, and how could I, when I can't even find myself?, then I'm forced to admit to myself that I can't stay on that course. I'm going to have to do whatever it takes to make me feel good about myself once again, to feel that I am actually living, not only breathing. That includes changing myself into what ever person that is. Yeah... I know what you're all thinking... and you know what? I'm not that bastard you think I am. It's easy to say that I'm only hurting her, and that I don't love her, but what the fuck do y'all know about that? I don't want to leave her... you hear me? i don't want to. But this is not a matter of what I want, it's a matter of what I need to stay alive, to keep me from going too far into insanity's dark dominions.

I don't know what's happening. I feel dizzy from all this thinking, from everything that is going on around me. At least we've found ourselves a new drummer. The music makes everything worthwhile, and once again, I've begun to hope for my dreams to come true. I know we can make it. We can reach that top, as so many before us have done. Perhaps that dream is the only thing that's keeping me alive. I don't know... I just need some change. Or a lot of it, actually. If that makes me a bad person, so be it. I'm tired of trying to defend myself against all the lies and trash talk going on, so maybe I'll just become that asshole/bastard/son of a bitch you think I am.

Let's see how you like me then, fuckers...

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