Thursday, September 17, 2009

Eternal optimist

10.04 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • Hanoi Rocks
I’m just like anyone
I dream of being someone
Fixed on growing young
Man, ain’t it fun
I put up a real good front
– act real nonchalant
If i can’t change the world
I’ll change myself
In hope i still believe, if nothing else

Hanoi Rocks- Eternal Optimist

Dear diary,

I nearly left tonight's writing to that damn devil, whom you've already met before. But not again. I'm still able to defend myself, even though I'm barely breathing. The events that have occured the last few days are both difficult to handle and impossible to cover with just one post. And to be honest, I don't even want to go further into details. Sure, I could sit here and cry over how fucked up I am, how bad I'm feeling and how much I'll miss her. All of these things are probably true... but I have an option this time. To forget. To put on that fake smile again, dust off all the old masks and wear them as I used to. Never let anyone get through my defenses, never let them get inside and see the real me again. 'Cause that's when the bad stuff starts happening. That's when that fucked up thing inside of me get's to play God. And it ain't pretty. So this is how it's gonna be from now on...

You could say it's my very last serenade. My very last attempt at getting this sorry, fucked up life on course again. One last chance to make things right, to forget about how everything is and try to act normal. To ignore the voices inside. I'm not sure how it's gonna work out, how the hell I'm supposed to escape something I've been running from for almost a decade now. The only way, as I see it, is to pick up speed, to start running faster than the dark clouds behind you, in order to stay in the light. The speed is consuming - I know that - it eats away on your life span every day, and truly makes the saying "Live fast - die young" true in every way. But that's a risk I'm willing to take. I won't give up just yet, there's still some energy left to make a last run.

But what if you fail, boy? Whatcha gonna do then, huh? Lie down and cry again? Tss...

Shut up! Nobody told you to speak. I'll make myself into whatever person I need to be to reach my dreams. I'm too fucking tired of who I am already, so that makes it so much easier to just drop everything and become someone else. Someone who's not so infested with fucked up thoughts and mental illnesses. Someone who can handle standing in the spotlight. Someone better. Someone special.

Oh yeah? You know you ain't got that inside of you. You know too damn well you can't become that star, you're too weak. Too afraid.

Fuck you. I'll make it. I'll show you... just wait. I'll forget everything I am, I'll leave this fucked up broken shell of a man and find a new one. I'll stop caring, stop thinking, stop being miserable. It ain't over yet.

Or so you think. Do you honestly believe in all this? They're gonna bring you down again. Everyone's gonna be mad at you, accuse you of being heartless, that you don't care about anyone. You won't be able to forget her, and every time you look at a picture of her and her boyfriend, you're still going to feel that sting inside your heart, and you'll cry yourself to sleep again. There's still too much of me left in you for you to accomplish anything like that. Besides, everyones going to see through you if you should succeed. You would be nothing more than an empty shell, hollow inside so the wind can blow you away. They'll fill you up with dirt, and far worse things than you've ever felt before. And then you'll wish you were back to the way things are now.

To hell with you and your sweet lies. I'll make it, you'll see. I don't need emotions, they'll only end up hurting you. From now on, I'll stop caring about all those things that bring me down. Focus on the future, on making it. Whatever it takes.

To hell? Oh boy, we're already here, you and I. And the gates have closed behind you. There ain't no gettin' back, you knew that when you strayed upon the road that led you here. No matter how far you go, I'll still be here. Patiently waiting for you to fall down again. The sooner you accept it the better. You can close your eyes in denial and run, but in the end, we'll catch up with you. So run, run until your legs can't carry you any longer, run until your lungs burn, run into the unknown. I'll be watching. Waiting. This ain't over yet...

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