Thursday, September 10, 2009

Venus blue

11.28 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • Adept, Adept and some more Adept.
Dear diary,

Speak about the devil... and he'll come rushing out of hiding, striking you with fear and confusion. Once again, I find myself out of touch with reality, and insanity has yet again become my friend. As always, I can't put my finger on what is wrong, but I know enough to say that a whole lot of things are wrong. Really wrong. First thing's first - about my latest doings... they are quite non-existent. Sleeping. Eating. Sleeping. Eating. Occasionally spending some time with Louis. It's all just a big blur, that somehow might have sent me into this state of mind. I've become tired of myself, my whole existence. I can't find any pleasure in anything I do... can't find any meaning in whatever I try to accomplish. I'm just breathing, not living. And if it's one thing I've told you about in the past, it is that I'd rather be dead than not living life to the fullest... and I'm far from that right now.

Had an argument with Marlene earlier, nothing important really, but as always, it left me in a state of anger and confusion. She wanted me to meet her boyfriend, or whatever he is, and I refused since I can't stand to see my exes together with someone else. It has nothing to do with them, they're probably alright, but I just can't handle being around when they're with any of my exes. It's like something in my head is screaming "Fuck you, she's mine, I was there before you.", and I know inside that it's wrong, but I can do nothing to stop feeling this way. So once again, we ended our conversation with stating that we couldn't be friends if I didn't want to meet him. It's strange how she still has the power to make me feel this way, she and everyone else I've ever shared my life with. I'm far too nostalgic for my own good, but I think you've all figured that out by now. Speaking of which... I've been talking to Tina a bit over the internet lately, and even though it's just plain conversation, it makes me feel a bit anxious. I'm trying my best to be polite and so on, but what if I can't manage to hide everything I really want to tell her? She would surely stop talking to me if she knew, and that would be a shame. I don't know... it feels like I need some change, something drastic needs to be done about this whole situation. Maybe I need to be alone for a while... or maybe not. It could give me some time to try and decipher this ongoing puzzle inside my mind, or it could mean that the demons would bury themselves deeper in my thoughts, bringing me to my knees once again. I mean... wouldn't it all be easier if I had to carry my cross alone, and let other people get on with their lives without me? I feel like a burden to each and everyone, and even a burden to myself. Schizophrenia at it's finest - I feel like I'm living separate lives, but both are bringing each other down. Hopeless.

But let's talk about less severe matters. I'll be visiting Småland once again this weekend, my father needed helt with something and I feel like I can't deny him since he has helped me a lot lately, helped with my debts and so on. I'm not too happy about this, being isolated in the middle of nowhere isn't exactly the optimal thing when I'm feeling this way.

I fear I'm about to do something I'm going to regret.
Time for sleep, sweet nightmares comin' up.

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