Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Enhance my nightmare

11.55 PM, Falköping, Sweden

Dear diary.

It feels like I owe you some time spent on writing down my thoughts and feelings. You feed on it, and since you give me the comfort of someone who's actually listening without talking back, I'm gonna give it a shot tonight.

There's not much to tell about my day... woke up around 2.30 PM, went downtown and had a few cups of coffee with some friends, went home, played some Guitar Hero and then placed myself in front of the computer. I've been feeling edgy all day, tired, but also bothered by something I haven't been able to put my finger on. It feels as if something is changing inside me - and I'm not sure if I like it. Perhaps it's just the fact that I'm sick from not having any chemicals floating around in my blood - but I'm finding it hard to admit, 'cause that would make me... yeah, you're right, a junkie. And I've never wished for that. But then again, maybe it's just another one of those periods of time when I seem to get lost, when my thoughts drift away and I can't manage anything creative or take any action to improve myself or my subsistence.

Jessica called earlier in the evening, and we had a short, but interesting conversation. She told me some things that made my heart tremble once again. I'm still not through all the confusion that surrounds this matter, and I'm not even sure that there ever was any confusion. I'm finding it hard to take one step forward, and grab what's waiting for me. Maybe I'm too afraid of moving forward, because when you're standing still, there's never gonna be a past left behind to come back and haunt you in the future. A bit cryptic, but true.

Only this time I believe I'm making the right move, if you can call it a move. I am in love with the theory laid out in the movie Donnie Darko - that we humans are just hollow vessels traveling through life, led by invisible strings that are pulling us into that we have chosen to call fate. And now, I am dragged towards her. I'm not gonna put up any resistance - in fact, resistance in this case, would be futile. I'm for the first time in a very, very long period of time (at least it feels that way) enjoying my path towards another crash landing, because I know I might just be lucky enough to have her take my hand and pull me out of the scorching wreck, and heal my wounds, heal my heart and make my lungs draw breath with newfound enthusiasm. It's worth a shot, 'cause that's the wonderful thing about this game we play called life - you never know what's waiting around the next corner, never know where you're gonna end up, or with who. Fates collide, and sometimes create undying love.

I know you're not used to me being so optimistic - in fact I've been getting used to the idea that everything's black and grey, and that there'll never be a way out of this hell I'm walking in. I'm lying if I say that I've given up hope, but I don't see a difference between "giving up hope" and "not giving a damn about what happens to me". They're quite similar, and even though I still cling onto that belief, I'm starting to distuingish a light making it's way through the thick rain clouds surrounding me - and this time it's not a freight train rushing towards me. It's the light that lives in her smile, her beautiful face, the way she expresses herself, her whole existance, all summed up in a bright shining light, like a shooting star destined to hit my heart and illuminate all of my soul. I'll be right here baby, right here if you need me. If you're not afraid of picking up something that so many people have thrown away, jumped on and cursed with the worst of curses. If their words don't make you run away in fear and anger from my presence, or if you can accept me as I am - broken or not. Remember the story about the ugly duckling? He got lost from his family, bullied by the other beatiful birds, and finally abandoned - but he found his way back to his family, and once he became accepted and loved, he turned into a beautiful white swan. I'm ready to make that transformation, in your embrace, and even though my wings and feathers will be black, my heart is still yours if you want it.

Ah, hell... this is turning into some kind of twisted reality show. You're a diary, damn it, I should be writing to you, and you only. Nevermind, there are people reading this, so I'm just gonna continue leaving them small notes to make them feel revered.

And you know what? Night #2 without any form of chemicals. Just nicotine and caffeine today. My body's telling me to stop resisting the urge to take anything, but my mind is still resisting. For the first night in... I don't know how long, I'm actually feeling tired - not in that usual way, when my heads too loud and the demons speak their sweet words of poison into my ears, but tired in a more normal way, you feel your muscles ache, your head's getting heavy and you just want to close your eyes, lay down and let yourself drift away into sleep. I pray this feeling holds on just long enough until I can get to sleep. It hurts to lie down in a bed that's so empty, as if the sheets were hiding long, sharp spikes underneath them that pierced through my flesh when I tried to lie down, but that's just my mind fucking with me again. The spikes are memories, in fact, painful memories of nights plagued by nightmares, panic, insomnia and pure terror coming from within. The bloodstains are still left, still there, as a reminder that I'm hurting, bleeding constantly.

Everything would be easier if I could just find the reason why I've turned out this way. Why did the demons choose to haunt me? My childhood was mostly happy, I grew up in a caring family, who despite a silent attitude towards feelings, never let me down. Until the age of 12, I was what you might call a happy kid. A happy kid with normal interests, normal friends, and a normal way of being. But all of that changed just overnight, I don't know when, and I don't know why. It was as if a dark cloud had drawn in over my mind, and put itself in orbit around my head, refusing to leave, and constantly showering it with cold drops of anguish, deceit, pain, anger and a million destructive things. I began to hate the world, since I figured out it didn't cooperate with my will and my way of being. At first, I turned the anger inwards, 'causing both mental and physical wounds, starting to veil my troubles in alcohol, drugs and surrounding myself with people who were as mentally scarred as me. And when finally someone reached out a helping hand, I grabbed it, and clinged on to that person until I suffocated her. They never understood me, not until she came along, she lived with me for those 2 years, saw through every crack in my facade, and didn't turn back. But I even fucked that up, foolishly believing that she would stay no matter how ugly things got. But she didn't stay, didn't want to be forced into making me happy, when all I gave her was despair. So I did the only thing I knew how to do - tried to force my way. And I think that's when the gates finally opened, and the chains were burst, and that monster that had been dwelling inside me broke free form it's captivity, and took control over my mind. I think he's still sitting somewhere inside, overseeing every action I take, reading every thought I have, silently planning his next move to shake my world once again. It hurt her, so bad, and the sane side of me still bears the heavy weight of that guilt. I met her not so long ago, by the way, on a bus here in town. She got on, and sat down just a few decimeters from me, she saw me, but didn't even bother to say hi. Isn't that strange - a person with whom you shared your life, both with it's ups and downs, for two and a half years, and she doesn't even acknowledge you? Life is strange sometimes.

And here I am today. I've left nothing behind but burned bridges and crashed relationships, and still I am continuing my search? Maybe there's something left inside my mind that's healthy and sane, something that tells me, subconsciously, that I need to keep marching, that the day will come when I finally reach my destination, my home, my safe harbor. I don't know, maybe I'm just romanticising things - but I know where my next destination is... I'm marching straight towards your heart, baby, and I pray that you are the home I've never had.


Night everyone (or if the sleeping fails, I'll be seeing y'all in wonderland, dancing with the fairies...)

5 comments:

  1. är du en donnie darko?..
    /z

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  2. I'm wearing a stupid man-suit.

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  3. ingen kan vara en donnie darko förutom donnie han själv, världens mest underbara film om jag får säga det själv^^ sen kommer bring it on ^^

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  4. Den är bra, men lite överskattad :P

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  5. donnie darko är bästa filmen någonsin (enligt mig) och jag menade såklart inte bokstavligt donnie darko. ehe

    z

    ReplyDelete