Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Cold black days

05.10 AM, Falköping, Sweden

Dear diary.

Spent the whole day yesterday sleeping, woke up around 6 PM, and has been sitting in front of my laptop ever since, listening to music, playing some WoW and just thinking. Kinda' like a coma, with the exception that you get up once in a while and grab something to eat or go to the toilet. Worthless.

I don't feel alright, and I don't even know why. My body doesn't feel right - my bones ache, I have a constant headache and I feel light-headed and weak. Perhaps I'm slowly dying... actually that would make sense. My subconciousness has realized that time has run out, and has initialized a total shutdown. It begins with my mind, bit by bit, it immobilizes the ability to think, then comes the nerve system, carefully deleting piece by piece, leaving me totally numb. Then comes the body functions, I stop eating (which I really can't manag any longer) then finally, when my body is weak from dehydration and hunger, the heart starts slowing down until the last beat echoes through my body. Clinical death, they call it. Life, I call it.

Once again I've started to fuck up my diurnal rhythm. I'm gonna try and stay awake until at least 6 PM, and then go to bed "early" and hoping I can wake up at maybe 10 or 11 AM. Don't have anything in particular planned for the week, and even if I had anything planned, I would probably end up canceling it anyway. All this shit going on lately has made me irritated and pissed off... at pretty much everything. I can't tell where all the anger is coming from, it just seems that everyone gets on my nerves all the times, and I can't take any comfort or enjoy anything I used to like before. Everything seems meaningless. I need to find something that gives me my stregth back. Before it's too late.

Since you write about me in your own blog, maybe I should write something about you - you make my days so much better... if you only knew. I'm not hoping for too much, but lately, we've gotten to know each other better every day. You're not like the rest - you're like a shining diamond laying in a field of granite rocks. I can't stop thinking - or dreaming - about you, and not even all the other girls making offers can make me change my mind. But you already know about this, but yeah... now it's written down for the whole world to see. And even if noone cares, I still hope you do.

Time to make some coffee and a morning cigarette...


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