Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Pretty in your pain

02.00 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary."

Considering the fucked up situation I find myself in…. the massive loss of a dream I have just experienced…. I figured the title to this was fucking perfect. This, is by far… not an immaculate piece of art. But it is, and it does, certainly hold therein its embrace, the way in which I feel right now for six thrice six reasons

I can come up with a few more than that. Of course I can, I'm your superior.

Again I say: lies are a motherfucker. To say the very least

Lies are good. Lying is the only way to survive in this unfriendly environment. You should start lying more. I can teach you to become a great liar...

Nothing, at all…is pretty about these words I am about to put down here. Melodically, dismembering…this unnatural, premature, eulogy is.Numbness settles inside like a newborn wisdom. It is only in the few, hairline cracks, in between the moment of acknowledgement and the nerve endings recognition, of the pain which it brings… that you come to realize - silence. Licking the blade, of this bastard sword… slowly, splitting the tongue in two. My writing, becomes dislocated

Stop your whining or I'll dislocate your mind. Worthless piece of shit. This ain't E.R.

My god, this feeling. Indescribable.

I'll help you - anger, pain, anguish, sorrow, grief, loneliness... any of these seem familiar?

A surgical procedure, without the primary factor of comfort : anesthesia.

Anesthesia's for pussies. Learn to take the pain as a man. And stop fucking crying, will ya!

First, the chest is cold and bare. Then, comes the scalpel, inserted without tact. With now, your sternum in all of its ivory glory… gleaming for the world to see - it begins to crack, disjoint… finally separate. The heart, lies exposed. Stillborn life. Deemed:


Excuse me, doctor, but you're wrong. I'll show you how to make those incisions... right there, in the middle of the heart... good... now put that scalpel deep inside... there you go... there it flows... yeah

And still... nothing of this makes any sense to you. It's only me, only me and the voices inside my head, the claws scratching the very walls inside my head, until the blood overflows and I'm out cold again. This is happening, this very moment... I wish I could give you just a small glimpse of what it is like to wander through the depths of hell, where no light reaches and where everything is pain, pain, pain.

That's a lie. You're only dreaming. None of this is real. When you wake up, there won't be any of this. Demons don't exist, they're just a silly fairytale. Now, let me tell you a bedtime story...

I know I shouldn't. I know it's going to hurt me. It's going to hurt me bad. I shouldn't. I won't.

Come on... do it... you'll feel better... trust me...

I just did it. Fuck... I just did it again. I checked her profile. I read her messages. I thought about her. This is running out of control... wait... it already is. Is anyone listening? Do you hear me? Can you see through the cracked facade, through the layers of inpenetrable armor, can you hear him crying? I said can you hear him crying, bitch? That scared little boy, running from the devils that haunts his nightmares, taking shelter under his blanket, wishing the night would turn to day. Can you give him that day? Can you? Time is running out, dear, you'd better hurry. Pick him up. Carry him in your strong arms, embrace him as your own son and chase those nightmares far away. Be his shield. Protect him.

Stop your fucking whining, what are you, a child? You ain't foolin' me boy...oh no... I know what you are. Remember... I'm watching you from the inside. And you can't hide from me. So stop your fucking crying. Be a man. Or else I will do it for you.

Everything's spinning, and I can't stop it. It's like a downward spiral, a tornado, a twister constantly building up inside of me. It feeds on the anger, the hate, the anguish, all the fucked up things that I have inside, that are digesting me slowly from inside, pumping poison through my veins. It's a fucked up drama, an illusion that has become far too real, a pain that has become unbearable. The wounds are open again, crimson tears are falling while the screams are getting louder. I know I shouldn't. I know it's gonna hurt me. I know I'm going to want to die. I won't.

Oh, you know you want to. See that big, red button over there? Yeah, it's flashing. Push it. You'll feel better. Come on. Do it. Just do it. Everything's gonna be fine. She won't be in your thoughts anymore, just push it.

I just did it. I... fuck... I can't live this way, it's suffocating me... I'm not me. Not myself. You motherfucker... how fucking dare you show your ugly face again? Leave me alone... please, just leave me alone. You've hurt me enough already. Don't forget, it's your body too, you know. If I go down, you go down. If I stop breathing, you'll suffocate. If my blood turns cold, you'll freeze to death. And you can't have that. And so you keep on tormenting me...

Shut the fuck up, pussy. You put this on yourself, remember? You just couldn't keep away from the flame, could ya? And you got burned. Live with it, pretty boy. I won't stop until you stop.

I can't run away from this one, not this time, not ever... Someone, anyone, rescue me from this living hell. Take my hand. Drag me out of this black cloud. Hear my screams.

They can't hear you. I've locked all the exits, I've barred all the windows. You're trapped. Go on, scream, no one will hear you. You're mine. I'm not letting this one go. I'm starting to enjoy this... Go on now, be a good boy and swallow those pills I gave you... they'll make you feel better... so much better... just close your eyes, and let me tuck you in...

"For all I know
Death is the only promise we'll ever keep
But there is a way
She makes me bleed and go insane
There are glimpses of release

In her truth there is a place to hide
And there is time to be still
So let's pretend, we’ll always have tomorrow
In this embrace, we forget

These veins ensnared in hers
This skin to quench our thirst
And though I know nothing will ever last
We've found a way to burn, to be here

Under a sky made of their ignorance
There is a way to find
To be here – now"


  1. varför skulle min kropp vilja döda mig?