Monday, April 6, 2009

I want you to lead me

05.30 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary"

I'm sorry for not writing in you for a while. I guess you're really jealous of me being so busy that I'm forgetting about you. Well, stop feeling that way. 'Cause the reason I'm not writing in you is that I simply haven't been doing anything lately that's been worth writing about. So now I'm going to try and sum up what I've (not) been up to the last few days.

Weekend's been kinda' boring. Last Saturday I spent the day outside in the sun. The weather was real nice so we (Me, Erik and Linus) went to a park and sat there, had some beers with some other friends. On the evening I went to Skövde and to the Backstage club with Johnny and Daniel, but stayed sober through the night so I didn't have a good time. But hey, at least I didn't have to stay in town.

So lately I have been looking for apartments for hire in Borås, with the intention of moving there as soon as I get one, and finally that's about to happen. If everything goes as planned I'll be moving in next weekend or the weekend after that, which actually feels great. After three years of traveling back and forth from that town, to girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, friends and all the drama and fucked up things that have happened in that town, I'm finally moving there. I'm both dreading and looking forward to it, as much as I love the city and the people in it, there's still some deep emotions connected to some people there. People who since long have moved on with their lives, and which I'm no longer a part of. I have no intention of destroying their... ah, fuck, it's actually "her" and if she reads this she's gonna know who I'm talking about anyway. So... I have no intention on trying to destroy her relationship, and besides, I already have someone who I'm about to give another chance. But my head's just not co-operating with me.

I feel like I can't get my thoughts out of my head and transform them into letters and words. I hate it when this happens - I get periods when I feel totally numb. Blacked-out, stretched thin and just unmotivated to anything. I can't find a way to express myself, I can't write, I can't sing, I can't fucking do anything that requires using my mind. I don't know why it happens, it is as if someone pulled the blinds on my mind or wrapped my head in some thick cotton that prohibits my mind from thinking in creative ways. Fuck, look at me, I can't even seem to write in a stimulating way. Look at this, some twisted version of school-english? Shit...

I gotta stop. This is supposed to be a place where I can express my thoughts and try to understand myself. If I can read my own thoughts, maybe I can control them. Shit, I don't know. Should probably stop writing now before I start smashing my head into the nearest wall 'cause it won't let me think straight.

I'll get back to y'all when I'm functional again.

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