Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Right next door to hell

09.20 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary."

Today feels good. The sun is shining, temperature's rising, and I'm finally starting to believe that Spring will come this year too. I've been in a good mood since I woke up about 4 AM after sleeping since 10 PM... Yeah, I'm as surprised as you are by the fact that I actually slept at night this time. Been feeling restless, I need to activate myself, find some things to do. Right now I'm walking around in the apartment waiting for Erik to wake up so we can go downtown and grab a coffee. Been working out a little, and it's finally starting to show. Guess that's one thing that's good about being skinny - when you get some muscles, they show real well.

Been listening to the Use Your Illusion I album by Guns N' Roses all morning, it's such a great album that has pretty much everything - fast songs, dirty rock n' roll anthems, nice ballads and fuckin' awesome lyrics. Right now I feel so hopelessly frustrated. I need to start making music, not just thinking about it all day long. I fear time is running out - this year I'll be 22. When Mötley happened back in the 80's none of the boys (except Mick) was over 20. and by then they'd all been in bands before. What do I have? Zero. Nothing. Not a real band, hardly any experience performing on a stage. All I have is a head full of music, words and my voice. I know I have enough to launch myself on a wild trip on the way to becoming a star, I just lack the right people to take with me. All my previous attempts at putting a band together has been a disaster. Lack of motivation, distance between the members and shit like that. I've done as much as I can to tell people "Hey! Look over here, here's a crazy motherfucker who's ready to put his life into the music and sell his soul to the devil if that's waht it takes to get anywhere! Join my band!", and so far I've only found a few people who actually take music seriously. And they live too fucking far away. Typical.

I need a Nikki (and I've got one, but again, he lives too far away...), I need a crazy ass guitarist who can shred like no one else, who's been raised by rock n' roll and a hard-hitting drummer who heard his first beat the day he was born - the beating of his own heart. I need a Slash, a Duff - hell, I could even settle for an egocentric Axl. But those types of people are hard to find these days... everyone is too scared of losing the stupid game they play every day. They don't want to risk losing everything they own on following some dream that might not even come true. See this as an S.O.S. call - if you're reading this, and feel that you are that Nikki, that Slash, that Tommy or any other personality that has ever created music that rocks so fucking hard, please, contact me and we'll sort things out. You won't regret it. I promise.

Time for some coffee right now and a cigarette... a far too typical breakfast in my case. I'll be writing in you soon, diary.


  1. jag hoppas verkligen att dina musikdrömmar blir verklighet, jag har sett en del av det du har skrivit (som du har lagt upp på olika sidor) och det är helt otroligt. Du kan verkligen uttrycka dig med ord. Bara du får någon med dig på tåget så tror jag att det kommer gå jättebra för dig. Känns också skönt att du denna dagen verkade må, om än lite, bättre :)

  2. Tack! Jag söker desperat efter någon eller någon som förstår vad det är jag försöker skapa, och det är inte bara musik, det är så mycket annat. Livet är konst, och viljan att skapa något är hos mig så mycket starkare än hos någon av mina vänner och bekanta. Man känner som att man pratar ett språk som ingen annan förstår, och det får en att känna sig så ensam.

  3. Jo, att brinna för något som ingen annan förstår exakt vad det är så speciellt med, det är frustrerande... Det kan vara svårt att hitta någon som talar samma språk, men det gör du säkert snart, bara du inte ger upp, vilket jag absolut inte tror du gör. Jag kan känna igen mig i känslan av att så desperat vilja skapa något, få folk att förstå livet... Men jag har nog inte på långa vägar samma vilja som du.