Monday, April 13, 2009

Swallow me in the fire

01.15 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary."

Oh, don't bother to try and hide it for me. You can feel it, can't you? You can see it in my eyes, feel it through my fingers, pressing the keys. It's pain, pure pain and eveything that comes with it. Anger. Anguish. Sorrow. Yeah, people, I did it again - I got hurt. So here's how it all began... as they say in all great stories...

Sunday, March 22 this year. I sit in front of my laptop, as always. The weekend had been great, I had met Nora and we had a good time. All of a sudden, I get this pop up from MSN telling me that someone wrote to me. I couldn't believe it when I saw that it was Tina, since she had decided to ignore me and never speak to me again just a week earlier. We continued speaking, and she told me she missed me. I asked her "Why, you already have a boyfriend?" and she tells me she just broke up with him. My thoughts were racing through my head, my whole body was shaking - I couldn't believe that she, everything I wanted, once again wanted a relationship with me. Over and over again, I asked her if she was telling me the truth, and she insisted on this. As we continued speaking about memories and such, we agreed to meeting each other again, and that I had to tell Nora that I couldn't have a relationship with her since Tina had decided to try and create something new with me. She took it really good, and within a week she was back with her old boyfriend again, I'm glad that went so well.

So, through the weeks, Tina and I continued speaking, and she told me she couldn't meet until the week after her holiday, because she should spend it in Gothenburg and Varberg with friends. It was right then I should have realized something wasn't right. Right after I told her that me and Nora were no longer about to get closer to each other, her interest started fading. I mean, if you tell someone you miss them, and that you want everything to wotk out with them, why don't you want to meet them as quick as possible? But I didn't care about that feeling right then, as I was too excited about everything. Time passed, and I heard nothing from her during her holiday. She said she had no money on her cellphone so she couldn't message me back, and I waited patiently. Last Saturday I checked her profile on bilddagboken to see when she was last online, and discovered a guestbook-post that she had replied to with a "<3". It came from her ex - the one she had left, because she said she wanted to be with me instead.

In that very moment, I realized I had been deceived once again. She was with him now, and they were together again. She didn't bother to tell me, she just blocked me from viewing her pictures, and as I called her in panic that night, her worthless son of a bitch of a boyfriend answered, telling me that Tina didn't want to talk to me. I freaked out, of course I did, and tried to get a hold of her all night. No answer. She left me out in the cold, and everything she had told me during these weeks were all lies. She never missed me, she never broke up with him - she just wanted to stop me from moving on. And believe me, she did a great job. It feels like my whole body is ready to burst into flames, I cannot put down the anger and hatred I feel inside into words. I do feel sadness, sadness that she wanted to hurt me that bad, that she actually took her time to make me believe her lies.

I have now lost all respect for that miserable little bitch, if I ever see her again I will not bother to fight against the urge to tear her apart with my bare hands. It will be worth ten years in prison just knowing that she is no longer breathing. The damage she has caused me can never be healed, the wounds are permanent, and I honestly wish that she will die a painful death, so that her fucked up head won't be hurting anyone any longer. She brought it upon herself, it's dangerous to mess with a person who's mind is so close to the edge of insanity. And yeah, Tina, if you read this - go fuck yourself, you fucking whore. You could at least have shown me the respect of telling me yourself, and not hide behind your pathetic little boy, but no - you're such a coward. Fucking failure.

And I won't allow myself to be stopped by this, it would make her feel good, and I would never wish her that. I'm moving on, her life is no longer bothering me, and I ain't gonna slow down. Things are moving faster now, and for the first time, I'm enjoying the speed. I'm alive and kickin', my mind is set, my road is clear. I'll rip apart any object that comes in my way, and I'll make my dreams come true. And no matter how far she goes, I will always be one step before her. And she'll deny it, but in the end, the truth is what weighs the most. Bitch.

Besides that obvious matter, things have been good. Got home yesterday from spending the weekend with my family, and next week I'm looking forward to getting the final answer from my unemployment fund. Also got a pleasant surprise, turns out I'm getting a tax refund of 8500 SKR, which is real nice. Festivals - here I come!

Also, things are starting to take form with Lifestream, people have joined, people are talking and everything is slowly beginning to evolve. You'll se more of that soon.

Until then, people.


  1. Fy fan, ja, jag vet inte vad jag ska säga... Mer än att du ska vara arg, det har du rätt att vara! Jävla... Ja, jag blir så jävla arg, hur fan kan man göra så?

    Jaja, det där hjälper kanske inte dig, men ja... Du har som sagt rätt att vara arg.

  2. Jo, men det lär ju inte hjälpa. Skadan är ju tyvärr redan skedd...

  3. Nej, men hellre att man reagerar än att man stänger inne alla känslor och får ett utbrott värre än något längre fram... Men jag förstår vad du menar.

  4. Du kanske inte borde vara så snabb på att dömma henne.
    Jag tror inte ett ögonblick på att du hörde av dig till henne när du struntade i henne för att gå till dina ex, trots att ni var tillsammans.

  5. Nej, självklart tycker du så när du endast hört hennes del av allting. Det är så lätt att döma - eller hur? Anyway, hon är glömd nu, så det spelar ingen roll.

  6. Hon verkar inte glömd med tanke på hur mycket du skriver om henne.