Wednesday, July 29, 2009


3.41 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • Sweet, whispering voices inside my head
Dear diary,

Yeah... about that attempt... I think I can't make it today either, but I'll give it a shot. We had some catching up to do, didn't we? Right.

So I went to Jönköping last Thursday, arrived there early in the morning and got picked up by Emelie and my drunk basstard. As I spent more time in their company, I realized something was different. Emelie, who used to be very caring and understanding towards me, didn't speak to me very much, and with a cold attitude. I could understand why, she was hurt cause' she had feelings for me and didn't want to bother me, but when she clearly wanted me to get jealous because of the way she treated Johan and Markus as her new "best friends", it just got too much. And the fact that my drummer was playing a gig with the same band Johan was gonna audition for, Danger, didn't make things better, so I went back home to my parents with the intention of not going to the festival with them on Saturday. But in the end I decided to go, the trip was nice, but it felt awkward at times when I couldn't hide my anger and irritation about Emelie's sweet talk to Johan and my drummer. It was as if she wanted me to freak out, and feel sorry that I didn't take her instead of Louis...

I don't really remember too much from the festival itself... it was rainy, not too many people, and "my" drummer did a kickass performance with Danger. Just another reason for them to steal him from us. Spent most of the time on the way home sleeping, got home, and then went back here on Monday. So... now, here I am once again, alone in the middle of the night, panicking, freaked out, feeling lost, losing consciousness from all the pills... does this sound familiar? Yeah, it sure as hell does. I'm back to where I started, and the pain from realizing that fact is hard to take. It creates so much anger and hatred within me, I feel like I'm gonna explode at any second and take the whole world with me. The pain mixes with the anger and hatred, and creates this fucking monster that I thought I'd killed, or at least caged. But it's back with full force, and intends to make my life to the very living hell I've been trying to escape for so long. It's a creature, made out of the sick thoughts, a constant will to become something more, jealousy of those who do better than me, anger, hate and everything bad in the human nature. It claws its way out of my heart, takes control of my mind and body, and starts with hurting the people I care about most.

Louis, I'm so sorry that I can't be the one you deserve. You don't deserve this fucked up person I am, you need someone who's not... tainted... who doesn't carry around this heavy fucking weight around their heart. I know I'm telling you that I don't want you to know what's going on inside my head, cause' it would be unfair to make you concerned with those things. But a lot of my latest panic attacks have been because of her. Tina. And since she's your friend, I'd never want you to choose between the two of us. But in the end, if you'd choose her, I'd understand you. I'm not that much of a bargain anyway.

It's not just that it makes my mind destructive, it also prohibits it from thinking creative thoughts, which leaves me totally crippled. I've lost my motivation, the only thing that can push me forwards, and without it I am condemned to fade away, just another anonymous face in the crowd. And you all know I'd rather die than to become a nobody. My current weakness leaved me totally unprotected against such things as this business that's going on with the band right now. Instead of thinking "Maybe he'll stay with us in the end, we're friends after all." my brain is thinking "That cocksucker, how the fuck can he leave me now after all we've been through!", and that makes me act less respectful against them, which in the end just might make them make the decision to leave. It's all just like a big, downward spiral, swallowing all my positive emotions, all my creativity and everything that makes me a good person, and turns me into that monstrosity, that no one could love. I've started think more often that maybe there is some deity who has decided that I won't be making it in this life, that I'm forever bound to be just another face in the crowd. I can't accept that fate. I just can't. And with nothing to do about it, I'd rather just end the misery than live a lifetime in denial of my own failure. It's better that way.

"Like and echo repeating the words "I feel nothing for you anymore"
Well, my dearest, hold my hand
I will bring you with me to the ground
If I fall, the fall becomes ours
Its too late to speak from your heart anyway
Its better if you die

But not to forget all of the words you told me
When all was spoken all I heard was
"But hurting you was the last thing I wanted to do"
When all was spoken all I heard was
"But hurting you was the last thing I wanted to do"

I've bled myself dry tonight for wanting more
The cold wind sweeps beneath me
Like a star shivering in darkness
and I will fall as well"

Adept - When The Sun Gave Up The Sky

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