Saturday, July 18, 2009

This is for keeps

7.05 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • various The Spill Canvas songs
Dear diary... or dear you, really,

I'm so glad I found you... or was it the other way around? Regardless, there you were... and still are. And I feel like the luckiest guy in the world. I had forgotten how good it feels to have your heart burn not only for yourself, but for another person as well... There are times when I feel alone and abandoned, even when I know you're just a phonecall away. There are moments when I don't feel alright, when the walls are caving in and I lose faith in my own ability to feel love like I used to. But you know what frightens me the most, what really scares the shit out of me?

I love you.

You could call that a lie, an exaggeration or a fake. You could say something like "You don't say that when you've only been together for like a week or two!" or shake your head while muttering something about "today's youth", but I don't give a fuck - it's as true as it gets. You've stirred up some feelings I've been missing for a long time, and when they come back, they do it with full force. James Hetfield of Metallica once wrote in their song "Mama Said", "The brightest flame burns quickest.". While it is pure physics, it also is true for me... a sort of fate that I'm forever bound to carry with me. But I wouldn't have it any other way... to live is to burn, and I'm enjoying every damn degree of it. When I'm in your arms, my armor is no longer falling apart, cracked and rusty. It becomes shiny and whole again, and even the sharpest of swords can't penetrate that tough shell. You're just too good to be true, and that frightens me. My mind is telling me "Dude, somethin' ain't right about this... it's too good... remember heroin? This is just like it. You're gonna get burned again."

And who knows, maybe that negative prick is right... but I don't care. What matters is that we're here now, in this together, and as much as I want to run back to the relative safety and comfort of my own solitude, I'm giving this a shot. A big shot. Cause' if this turns out to be the same as before, I have failed in making myself a better person. Kinda' like a test, but a far more dramatic one than the ones I remember from school. This is my way of telling you - cause' I suck at trying to utter my feelings with words - that I'm happy to be yours, and I'll stay by your side as long as you want me to.
I might not always be sober, caring, understanding or look that great either.
I might be carrying around a lot of ghosts and bad memories in my mind, trying to understand what I've left behind, and why.
I might continue overdosing on most things, even love itself in the end.
I might make you confused about how I feel about you, about us, about everything.
I might dream away most of the time I'm awake, letting them take over me fully at times.
I might not always be able to tell you all the things I want to tell you, and I might fail greatly in trying to make you understand me, but I promise you one thing - I will always be true.

So, once again, Louis - I love you.

"How does it feel to know you're everything I need
The butterflies in my stomach
They could bring me to my knees
How does it feel to know you're everything I want
I've got a hard time saying this
So I'll sing it in a song

Oh I adore the way you carry yourself
With the grace of a thousand angels overhead
I love the way the galaxy starts to melt
When we become one

"So Much" - The Spill Canvas

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