Thursday, July 30, 2009

Heart on the line

5.54 AM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack
  • like you bother reading this anyway...
Dear diary,

I feel like I'm stuck in a coma. Unable to move, unable to think, unable to speak... just drifting around in a desolate inner landscape, far away from consciousness. They say that patients in a coma doesn't dream, but maybe they do? Maybe this is my dream, my nightmare. They also say that coma has several stages... and this could be any of them. I still feel, though, that would speak against it... but what I feel is frightening. Love. Hate. Anger. Despise. During the hours I'm awake my mind focuses on the negative feelings inside me, constantly plunging deeper into this black hola that's been building inside me, and even though there are bright spots of positive thinking, it quickly goes back to the same painful aspect of thoughts again. It's frightening for many reasons, one of them is that I can't control it. I can't make my mind think of anything else... and I feel helpless. Alone.

She's there for me, I know it, and not only her, there are many others who could give their support if I only asked for it. But I don't. I'm still too damn proud to show my weakness to others. I still want them to think of me as "the strong, silent type". And I even believe I would refuse any help if they wanted to give it to me, stubborn as I still am. I guess that's some kind of sign that there's still some spirit left in me, even if it leaves me alone in the end. I can only accept her help right now, and even that I have trouble embracing. It feels like I'm dragging her with me down into this downward spiral, and I can't live with myself if I make her life to the same hell I'm experiencing. As I've said many times before - it just isn't fair. If she only knew what she was going into when she said "Yes." that night a few weeks ago.

I got a call from Johan earlier tonight... he's in Halmstad with his family right now, and as always he was real drunk. We chatted for a while about stuff in general, but then suddenly he became very serious and said that he had spoken to our drummer about the whole thing with the two of them joining Danger instead. He told me that none of them wanted to be in that band, and that he really believed in us as a band, that we was his main priority no matter what. I'm not sure if it was just the alcohol speaking, but there was a sincerity in his voice that made me feel a bit better about everything concerning the band. I've been so busy making up emergency plans in the form of other bands and different projects, all with the intention of getting rich and famous, that I've completely forgotten about writing some lyrics for Attraction. I should get on that as soon as possible... if my head can stop spinning.

It's time for me to stop writing now... have to go and gather some dirty laundry that's lying around, I have booked the washhouse from 7 AM, and after I've finished with the laundry I'll probably go to bed and sleep until tonight... There's this event down in town today called "Thursday night" where random bands come and play on the town square and people get drunk and fight until the cops come and take them to the drunk cell. Not really my kind of fun, besides I'm feeling too insecure around people when I look this way, with the hair and all that. It'll probably just lead to another anxiety attack, and I've had enough of those the last few weeks...

Later y'all.

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