Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Baby, please don't go

9.24 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • various Faster Pussycat songs
Dear diary,

This headache's killing me... Today feels like a big... nothing. Just... nothing. I noticed that this is my 100th post here, so it's some kind of milestone perhaps. I can already tell that there'll be much more than 100 when I'm done here.

I get the feeling that things are slipping away from me, and it makes me feel so fucking helpless. First of all, I got the news about a week ago that my bassplayer maybe is gonna audition for another sleaze band in Småland, Danger, who are looking for a new bassplayer. At first I thought "Shit, that's cool!" but after a while I realized that if he begins playing with them, our band will be set aside. And that's just not fair. I can't stop him, or anyone, from trying out ither bands, even if I would like to. But when things seemed to finally get started, we found a drummer and got our rehearsal space and so on... but now, everyone seems to wander off and do different things. Our drummer is doing a gig with the same band, Danger, at the Rest In Sleaze festival this weekend, and then what...? Maybe they'll decide that they want him too, and then it's fucking over with my little dream. And I know I won't be able to handle that. I've put so much trust into this, it's my dreams about to come true, and if that fails, I'm gonna stop dreaming. Stop living. And I don't need another reason to give up.

I guess I'm just being a child when I'm feeling like they're MY band, not someone elses. You can't mess with free will, I've learned that before. But when people who tell you they're your friends abandon you, don't you think I have a reason to be pissed? Yeah, maybe...

All I know is that I'm scared of the future. I can't seem to get a grip of anything. And once again, my head is just killing me...
Let's end this 100th post with a classic expression that describes pretty much everything right now;



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