Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Heaven in her arms

10 PM, Borås, Sweden

Today's soundtrack;
  • a whole lot of Hardcore Superstar
Dear diary,

Yet again I skip a few days writing in you, but at least I have a good reason - my mobile broadband connection decided to give in, but it's now functional again so... The last days have been chaotic, but this time in a good way. As I mentioned, Louis spent the night here last Sunday, and even though I was nervous as hell, the night turned out to be a major turning point for me... I came to the moment when I just had to ask her if she wanted to be mine, and if I could be hers... and without any hesitation, she said yes.

Yeah, you heard me. I'm not alone any longer... and that changes a lot of things. Even though we're only in the first, shaking moments of our relationship, everything feels great. Suddenly, I realize how much I've missed the closeness and intimacy of another human being... When I went to bed on Monday night, I almost started crying 'cause I missed her so. I guess I developed an addiction to her faster than i thought... With the presence of someone in my life to share my thoughts and feelings with, the voices inside of me get less space to haunt me, and even though I still experience anxiety attacks and such, it has become easiser to deal with now that I know I'm not alone. I just hope she wants to stay with me, I have a constant fear of estranging her the further she gets to know me. There are things within that I hide, afraid to show, but in time they will show whether I want to or not. Let's just hope she can see through all that.

So, here I am. Not alone. Settled in the city I want to live. I should be content, but as always... I'm never quite satisfied. All these things I sought after, that now have been given to me... I'd hoped that they'd give me some kind of clarity or peace of mind, so that I could focus and finally become the creative superpower I know I really am... but so far, things haven't changed. I'm so pissed off at myself for being like this that I just want to put a gun to my head, pull the trigger, and let all the thoughts fly out and paint the walls. Maybe then someone could read them and understand what I want to achieve. At least I am only moments from releasing project Daedalus upon society. This is the first stage of the plan, and may take a long time to show some results. But it's a beginning, at least, and from now on, my life will become more and more intense. As if it wasn't already.

I'm thinking of getting some sleep... I'm going to Jönköping tomorrow to pick up some contact lenses from my optician, then I'm gonna meet up with Emmelie, she's gonna cut my fringe and maybe we'll hang out for a while.

I miss my girl.

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