Sunday, March 15, 2009

Sin's a good man's brother

22.30 PM, In the middle of fuckin' nowhere, Sweden

"Dear diary"

Spent the whole weekend moving out of my old apartment, so now I'm completely exhausted. My parents helped me clean out the whole apartment today, so tomorrow I'll be handing over the keys and officially be out of that hell hole that apartment came to be. Can't count the times my life nearly has reached an end between those walls. Every time I walk into the rooms, it is as if a great wight is put on my shoulders, and memories of the pain I have endured while residing there fly through my thoughts like razors. But now, I will never set foot in that place again. At last.

Nothing much going on except that, will be going back to Falköping on Tuesday. Nala said she wanted to come and visit this week, but we'll se about that, she's a bit... feeble-minded. On Thursday Jessica is going to visit Falköping to participate in a poetry-slam, so I'll be meeting her then, and on Friday Nora is visiting. Guess she'll stay the night in Falköping, it'll probably be a party on Friday night. It's gonna be nice to see her again, I really don't know her too well, but I intend to change that.

The anguish has been acceptable the last day, but now as I sit here I can feel the demons moving around in the dark corners of my mind, planning their next attack. Been texting sporadically to Tina all weekend, she seems to be in a good mood, but hasn't changed her decision a bit. I won't be coming close to her, ever, and that hurts... Wish I could explain the pain to you, make you feel it, only for a second. Then you would understand what it is to live with a heart that's broken, shattered, but bursting with feelings for this one person, a person who means everything, who has the power in her hands to fix the cracks and make the heart whole again. When that person turns her back at you, and refuses to even touch your heart... to understand that no matter how much love you show, no matter how much you try to reach her, you will only be met by a cold, inpenetrable wall. I'd rather die a thousand deaths than live to bear that pain in my heart - and yet, it's the only thing that makes this life worth living. Paradoxically, eh?


(I can hear them now, moving closer. Whispering lies. Telling me to give up. Shouting about her life being better without me. Insanity. Anxiety. Anguish. Afraid. Psycho. I'm trapped. Can't breathe....
If there was a place for me in heaven, I would call upon the angels to save me... but heaven holds no place for a twisted mind, and I would call upon hell to drive the demons away, if I wasn't already here...)

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