Friday, March 6, 2009

Your sins into me

"Dear diary."

04.30 PM, been awake for a couple of hours now, waiting to go down and get on the train to Borås at 08.50 PM. Today (today as in Thursday, that is...) has been really dull and pointless. Spent the whole day in front of my computer, staring apathetically at the screen like a zombie (I wouldn't be surprised if I even was drooling and making sounds like "Uhhrrr... braaaaiiins...nightelf...gaahrr") and only taking breaks when I had to go to the toilet or eat. It's days like these I wish more than ever that I had the strength to pull myself out of this meaningless subsistence and make my dreams come true. But I don't have that within me, that force that makes me constantly improving myself. My only motivation right now is her existence and my feelings for her, and I am grateful for that. Maybe one day I can stand on my own two legs without having to hold the hands of others for support.

Anyway, nothing interesting has been happening. The demons have been kinda' calm today except for some nightmares. Had a bit of an argue with her boyfriend earlier on bilddagboken, ended up with me blocking him. If she wants to tell me something - even if it's telling me to fuck off - she can tell it to me herself, without sending her boyfriend as some kind of diplomat. He really doesn't have anything to do with this matter, even if it's really noble of him to try and defend her.

So as I wrote earlier, I'm going to Borås today. Feels good in a way, but I'm really nervous how I am going to react when I'm confronted with all the feelings I associate with that place. I am meeting Jessica at 10 AM, then we're going to her school or something, I didn't really listen on that part, and afterwards I guess I'll be leaving my stuff at her house and then go down to the city to meet up with Marlene. Haven't seen her since last summer, so it should be nice to meet her again, even if I am nervous as hell. If I only had some vodka left...
I'll be staying the night in Borås, so I guess I won't be able to write in you tomorrow diary. Sorry for that. Sometimes I feel like you are the only one who's really listening to my insane mind.

I need to get laid, really bad. My whole body is screaming for sex, but I know I won't let anyone touch me, nor physically or mentally. I need to prove to myself that I can direct my love to one person only, and I know she really doesn't give a fuck if I screw around or not, but to me it matters. It's like my mind and my body is having a vicious fight, my body is screaming "Sex, sex, sex! I need to fuck! Let me at em'!" and my mind is replying "Calm the fuck down body, you're not getting anything until you're lying next to her again. Tough luck, asshole."
Looks like I'll be practicting celibacy for quite some time, but hey, another piece of insanity won't hurt, right?

I should start to get dressed now and put my mask on, have some coffee and prepare for a tough day.


"I shut my eyes to see better times
All for, trust more, but in vain
I saw the madness, our weakness
Destruction, corruption, no wonder I’m insane"

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