Monday, March 9, 2009

They keep calling me

"Dear diary."

Today was mostly a wasted day in the sense that I didn't achieve anything other than lying around on the sofa or sitting in front of my computer all day. But today felt kinda good. I felt like my skin wasn't crawling, my insides weren't on the outside, but I also felt sorta flat... non-committed to life.
Also noticed I've lost some weight... my clothes doesn't fit anymore. I guess I haven't really felt any hunger lately, and when I actually eat, I can't eat much cause' it makes me feel so sick and nauseous. Don't care much about it really, if my body wants to kill itself, I suppose it has a real good reason for doing so. Ignorance kinda seems like bliss in that case...

People don't make sense to me... I have no comfort zone. I don't know how to live. I feel like an alien.
When people talk to me, I can't hear them. When I go places, I feel alone. I see messages in the TV shows, on the Internet... I hear things other people don't hear... I decipher what they say wrong... Am I insane, or is it just the demons trying to take control of me? Like some evil masterplan to make me lose my foothold and fall handless into the abyss? Or maybe... just maybe... I'm playing the fucking victim so that people will notice me.

I feel so alone. It's like a sickness thats creeping inside me, making me panic. I can't sleep, cause' everytime I lay down and try to relax I start to feel uneasy, and the thoughts starts racing through my head. I need to keep going as fast as I can, live my life at 120 miles per hour so that everything around me blurs into a distant landscape where I cannot sense all the anguish and loneliness that's inside. But every once in a while, you're gonna have to stop and refuel, and that's when the panic strikes. If only I had someone to lay beside me through the nights, just to feel the heat of another body beside me (girls only, sorry guys...!) is such a great comfort, and even if it doesn't chase all the nightmares away, at least I can wake up knowing I'm not alone. The demons are such cowards. They don't dare come out of the dark when someone else is around... maybe they're too afraid that someone will see them and chase them away for good... which is fine with me, by the way.

But hey... enough bitching. Probably gonna be up all night, got some "medicine" to help me stay awake... Gonna make some calls in the morning, have to get all this shit with applying to an education sorted out... I'll probably be writing in you soon again soon as the insanity kicks in...

To everyone else, good night...

"it's something I have to do
I was there, too
before everything else
I was like you"


  1. Vilken skrivartalang! Går inte sluta läsa när någon skriver något såhär bra i en stil nära poesi!