Monday, March 23, 2009

All Hail The Heartbreaker

05.40 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary."

Once again I've skipped some days of writing to you. My bad. Things are moving quite fast as of lately, and I simply haven't had the time to sit down and try to gather my thoughts, or been too drunk to even make sense to others reading. But as I try to sum things up, it always gets too fucking long, and to anyone of you reading this (poor bastards...) - I apologize for writing too long and making your eyes hurt.

As I sit here this early Monday morning, I finally have some time to reflect about what's been going on this weekend - and to be honest, it's been quite enjoyable. Nora came to visit me here on Friday, and also stayed the night. We invited some friends over, had a couple of drinks while talking, playing guitar hero and playing real guitar as well. I was in a good mood, and maybe that's why I was drinking so heavily. After a while, everyone left to go down to a club, and I stayed here with Nora, cause' she's only 14, and even though she looks more like 19, she still wouldn't be let in. When they left, I totally blacked out. I can't remember anything past that point, just fragments, like for example... kissing her and falling asleep by her side...

Waking up by her side was quite enjoyable. Realizing what I had done wasn't.
While the panic increased with my level of awareness of the situation, I couldn't deny the fact that I have long wished that this should happen. When I first laid eyes on her, she was only 12, and she was walking around Borås wearing high plateau boots, a short skirt and extensions in her hair. She has had my attention ever since, and I've been watching her from a distance through all of my relationships since then, watching her evolve from a kid into this beautiful young woman, who despite her age, is acting really mature. So being close to her again made me feel great, but thinking about her boyfriend didn't feel as great...

Anyway, spent the day feeling not hungover, but rather non-focused and really uncomfortable. Left her at the station, wanted to kiss her, but didn't. After that we've been texting each other all weekend, she told her boyfriend about or little incident, he got mad, broke up, they got together again and now it's some kind of static between them. And I've got all reasons to be happy about it, cause' even if I'm an asshole, I still don't like the idea of ruining a relationship. I hope it turns out to the best for them. And still... if he leaves her, I want to be the one she gives her heart to next. I would love to be hers, and get to give her all the love I can. We would make such a beautiful couple, even though everyone would think I'm a pervert cause' of her age. I don't care about that, she's beautiful, smart, attractive... and most of all, she understands me. But there's something in the way, and I can't tell you what. Yet.

The demons have been quiet all weekend... It's funny... I almost miss them. When they're not there speaking to me, I get confused. It feels like I'm a whole other person without them, and haven't got used to being this person yet. I feel uneasy, tense, almost like I'm in another man's body and can't find the controls to maneuver his mind.
Decided to keep sober for the rest of the weekend, which was easy because I didn't have any money to purchase alcohol, and hard because I didn't want my mind to be clear, cause' then I think too fucking much and end up panicking again. But it went well, only had a few beers last night when I had to calm down from a certain... message I got from a very special person. More about that in later posts.

Except the "incident" with Nora, I also've been experiencing some interest from other girls, which makes me kinda' confused. Why the hell do they want a relationship with a sick fuck like me? Can't they see the red, flashing sign above my head that says;


Probably not. I must make a bigger one, maybe I'll use some neon in the next one... or make a simpler version of it, in case my admirers have a lack of IQ, something like;


I'll have to consider that one... simple and effective.

In a way it makes me feel like King Kong on a building, their attention feeds my need for appreciation, and hearing things like "You seem like a real nice person, I would do anything for you to love me." and "We would make such a beautiful couple." is great for my self-esteem. But then I realize, when those people get closer, they'll see the sick fucker that's hiding beneath the facade, and realize I'm not that person they got attracted to. I can't help it, I need to be close to someone, but everytime I try, I end up hurting them. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I maintain a normal relationship without fucking things up. Is there something I don't see? Are there giant invisible fucking spikes attached to my skin that's piercing through peoples heart? If you know what's wrong, please do tell me.

Today's plans;

- Visit the juvenile reception. No need to explain why.
- Try and get things straight with everyone who's trying to get a relationship with me
- Try and handle the pressure of not being admired by anyone anymore
- Apologize to Nora for the millionth time and try to sort things out
- Sleep for a very long time

Whoa. I'm making plans, ain't that something...
Gonna take a shower now and then get dressed.

Good nig... I mean, good morning, viewers...

On your side teach me the real thing
No time to think of the old scene
Say my name when you want to its just fine
I'm still here forever in your arms

Write your name in the stars
I am trying to heal your heart


  1. Jag tror att man måste vara klar med sig själv och må någorlunda bra, eller iaf hitta någon som verkligen orkar med alla jävla svängar som uppstår innan man kan få ett "bra" förhållande... Men det är bara spekulationer från min sida. Du gör inget fel iaf, man är inte mer än människa och man är två i ett förhållande. Det är inte bara en person som gör att det blir bråk, slitningar eller liknande.

    Men jag förstår att du anklagar dig själv, vem gör inte det?

  2. Det är ju den närmaste personen man har, sig själv alltså, så det blir väl så att man skyller på sig själv då :)

    Tack för att du orkar läsa den här galenskapen förresten, trodde inte någon orkade med det längre :)

  3. Jo, det är ju det, och man tror ju att man är roten till allt ont, det har iaf jag gjort i hela mitt jävla liv, anklagat mig själv för massa olika saker som andra egentligen gjort... Men du har rätt i att man skyller på sig själv just för att man är den närmsta personen man har, och sen tror jag dessutom att det är lättare att skylla på sig själv för att man inte riskerar att såra någon annan, man är inte någon till lags och man slipper risken att må ännu mer skit om det visar sig vara fel det man sagt... Hoppas du fattar min rappakalja ^^

    Det är så lite så, det är intressant, du skriver väldigt talande och målande, och, galenskap eller inte, så sitter jag och hoppas för mig själv att du någon gång ska få en liten liten gnutta ljus i ditt liv, att du ska kunna se ett sätt att må bra, eller, bättre.