Wednesday, March 11, 2009

We'll be halfway to anywhere

"Dear diary."

Did a lot of...nothing today. Woke up around 12 PM today with the Hangover From Hell. Stumbled into the kitchen and had a beer and a cigarette, spoke to Erik, who had already started drinking again, and then went back to the sofa. And that's pretty much where I've spent the whole day. Writing, listening to music. That kind of activity leaves much space for thinking, and in most cases, thinking is real bad for me. So while fighting the demons, I decided I was gonna try a lucky shot, and texted Tina and told her I wanted to send her some pictures of cute fox-like creatures, cause' I know she loves cute things as much as I do. So she responded and we agreed she should unblock me at msn so I could send the pictures, and then block me again. Well, didn't quite turn out that way.

We started talking about pretty much everything - memories, plans, feelings and all of a sudden she decided to keep me unblocked so that I could send her music. We share a common love for music, one that I have not found in anyone else I know. Feels good to have someone to talk to who really understands the essence of music. We've talked all day over msn, and discussed a lot of the feelings I have for her. Felt really good to be able to explain everything, and though she really doesn't give a flying fuck about how I feel, at least I got to tell her. I'm treading as lightly as I can around this matter, cause' I wouldn't want to upset her so she ignores me again. Everytime that happens, it feels like being thrown into a dark prison cell where you can scream your lungs out, and no one would ever hear you.
So now I'm sitting here writing to you both, everyone is asleep. It's quiet, except for the music in my ears, and I know that soon, there will be other voices coming not from the outside, but from inside my head. The madness slowly creeps out from the dark corners, spreading it's sickening glow all over my mind.
How do I get out of this downward spiral? I can't find a way out of this hole. I would like to say to myself "If you're in a hole, put down the shovel.", but I can't. I'm so addicted to these sick thoughts and the voices telling me how to act, it's all I think about, but I know there's more. There has to be a reason for all this, something has to be the source of all the madness, and I'm sure it's right in front of my face. I'm too proud to ask for help, but that's what I need.

So I actually decided to check how much I weigh today, was a bit surprised by the result. 140 lbs, which is less than last week. I feel like a fucking skeleton, but still can't find the appetite or will to eat. It makes me feel sick just thinking about eating. As long as I get my coffee and a cigarette to go with that, I'm satisfied. And it's real fuckin' cheap too! Suits me perfectly since I'm broke.
Tomorrow I'll be going home to Vaggeryd again to move the last things out of my apartment before I leave the keys to my landlord, I have no internet connection there, so I'll be writing in you as soon as I get online again.
Night fellas'

"Anyplace is where she'll be
Anyplace, she'll see you from
Lies and secrets become your world
Anytime, anywhere she takes me away
And death climbs up the steps one by one
To give you the rose that's been burnt by her son"

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