Thursday, March 26, 2009

All in the name of...

05.10 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary."
Nothin' special has been going on today, just another worthless day in an even more worthless life. I feel uneasy. Anxious. Uncomfortable. Can't seem to find comfort in anything, it feels like I'm running low on fuel and can't get full effect out of the engine that drives me. And yet I don't know why. The anguish hasn't been that bad lately, the demons have been real quiet, even through the nights. I have even been able to sleep the last nights, even though nightmares are haunting me. There's so much going on around me right now, feelings and emotions just spin so fast inside my head that they blur into this great mass that I can't decipher or understand.

Got a letter today from my mother. Haven't got a letter from her ever, so I instantly knew what it was about. Like any good mother, she worries about me. She wrote about how she had found drugs stashed away in my apartment by accident, and that she had suspected I was using for a long time. That my lifestyle will lead me to my grave, and that she had many friends in her younger years that had died from overdosing and such. That I didn't care about my family anymore except when I needed something from them, I didn't congratulate them on their birthdays or ask how they were doing. All in all, it was an attempt to tell me that I should change my ways or I would end up dead. Wow. What news. I'm sorry mom, but this is my life. I'm not a 5-year old anymore who you can try and raise to be a good boy.

It's like they say, when kids reach their teenage years, they're not your little girl or boy anymore. The parents are no longer their best friends, their comfort in everything. They replace this with new things - things that are far more interesting than the safety they have experienced so far. They break boundaries, explore new worlds, meet new people, try new things. And I'm far beyond that point when my life became my own. I've got new friends now, I'm sitting by the side of Satan himself, enjoying his hospitality. I live my life day by day, not thinking about tomorrow if it's not absolutely necessary. I don't give a fuck whether something is good or bad - I just enjoy it and live for the moment. What else does a human need? Fuck safety. Fuck values. Fuck ever believing in the thought of suppressing people, try to hold them down and put them in a cage constructed by an intolerant society.

I'm sorry for not being your perfect little boy, but this is the way I live. If you can't handle it, I'm sorry. You tell me drugs kill people. You tell me that rock n' roll isn't an acceptable way of life, that it's just a cliché. You tell me I don't care about my family and those close to me. I have grown up to discover a fascination for everything that's dangerous, fast and excessive. A life that gets stained with sex, drugs and rock n' roll would to most people seem like a curse, but to me, it's a blessing. I feel alive. I feel free. And even if I've chosen the wrong road to follow, at least it's taking me somewhere, and lets me feel alive along the way. I might end up dead tomorrow, in 5 years or in 40 years. No one knows, and I really don't care. I'm not gonna stop chasing my dreams, living my life to the fullest - and your words can never stop me from doing that.

Even if I'm an addict, a failure, a bastard without a life - I'm still your son. Let him live.
Should be getting dressed now, off to the juvenile reception soon. Really looking forward to a male doctor touching my dick... Not.
Wish me luck.


  1. I'm sure your mom loves you, she's just worried, like all mothers. thats what mothers do dear

  2. There's a difference between "loving" and "trying to put in a cage".

  3. Hur vill du att din mamma ska vara? Jag tycker inte att hon ska anklaga dig för en massa, men jag kan dock se en röd tråd av oro. Jag tycker ändå inte att hon ska anklaga dig som sagt, men vem är jag att tala om detta?

  4. På ett sätt så har hon ju rätt att oroa sig. Men hon måste ändå förstå att det är mitt liv, det är den vägen jag valt att vandra, och även om hon misstycker, så är det ändå mitt val.

  5. Jo, absolut, det tycker jag med. Men hon vill nog bara ditt bästa, men det vet du ju redan... Men som sagt, det är ditt val och det ska du göra om du vill.