Thursday, March 5, 2009

We're running out of alibis

"Dear diary."

Just got home from the bar, went down with some friends and had a couple of beers. So I'm drunk, and really shouldn't be writing here, but I guess I'm not surprised that I'm doing it anyway. I've always enjoyed doing stuff I shouldn't be doing. Makes me feel alive.

So, today's been quite enjoyable, actually. Got drunk last night and fell asleep around 2 AM after speaking to a nice girl via MSN, woke up at 12.30 PM and had some coffee and a cigarette. Sent some text messages to my bass player Johanna and asked if she wanted to cut my hair, and she agreed. It's good to have a woman in your band sometimes. So we had some beers, cooked some food and she cut my hair and dyed it black once more. It's the last time this time, before I start dying it blonde again, so hopefully I'll be blonde when summer comes. Also got a reply from Tina, and as I thought, the rumour about me having physically abused her was in fact, just a rumour. People should know when to shut the fuck up.

Nothing much has been happening except that, got a reply from the study adviser at Borås högskola, and it looks like I can start studying right when I move there, which is great.
The anguish has been bad today, had a couple of anxiety attacks from thinking about her and the way she ignores me. It hurts so fucking bad not to be able to tell her how much I feel for her, and I'm trying my best to fight back against that sickening urge to let my demons take control of me and once again become that despiteful son of a bitch I was before. But my mind is set, and I won't fail this time (Yeah, keep lying to yourself, fucker!). I have so much to thank her for, even now, she is the only reason I keep fighting this battle against myself. And even if it'll never be us again, at least she makes me keep improving myself.
So I've been thinking a bit about my alcohol abuse lately, maybe it's just a phase, but it makes me feel so much better. When I'm shaking and my thoughts are racing, I know that it takes only one shot, only one drink, for me to feel better. Most people would say that's the first step against addiction, but honestly - I don't give a fuck. I'm addicted to so many things, one more thing won't hurt, right?

Guess I should try to get some sleep and keep it short for today. Maybe tomorrow I can try to tell you about what's going on in my head. I'm too numb from all the alcohol to feel anything right now....
Night, ladies.

(Guys, you should be out there trying to get laid instead of staring at your screen. Seriously.)

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