Friday, March 20, 2009

From birth I was deceived

04.50 AM, Falköping, Sweden

"Dear diary."

Once again I have no discipline in writing to you. Can't seem to find time or motivation enough to write down these words I call my life. And I know I need it, cause' you're the only one who'll listen to my insane ramblings. You're a much needed comfort in this fucked up reality of mine.

Today's (Thursday) been good. Real good. Woke up around 10 AM, a technician from ComHem came and fixed something in the apartment, not sure what, but he still woke me up. Tried to go back to sleep, failed miserably and got dressed. Spent last night out with Dennis, Sandra and Johnny, we went down to the pub and had a couple of drinks, so I was feeling a bit hungover. Stumbled into the kitchen, found myself a cold beer in the fridge, and also noticed it was real sunny outside, you know, typical early spring day. Spent some time in the sun on the balcony, drinking beer and smoking cigarettes, then put my face on and went downtown with Erik. Had lunch at a chinese restaurant, went on to a café, had some coffee, and then around 5 PM we went to the library to attend the poetry slam. Mostly went there to meet up with Jessica, watching crazy old ladies reading their pathetic fucking poems really doesn't appeal to me... So went back home, played some Guitar Hero, and since then I've been mostly sitting here writing to people.

Oh yeah, spoke to Tina also, she once again decided to ignore me, and I tried to handle it as calmly as I could. She was really pissed and said all those mean things about our relationship never had meant anything to her, and that I'm such a fucking loser who won't ever change his personality. Well, thanks for the news baby. Fuck her boyfriend, I know I'm better. So now I'm just gonna try to take things as they come. I won't be talking to her in a while now, gonna try and open up my eyes a bit. I can't deny the feelings I have for her, they'll never ever disappear. I'll lie there on my deathbed, all old and broken, and my last thoughts before I draw my last breath will be of her. Of that I'm certain.
I felt kinda numb when she told me she was blocking me again from speaking to her. I thought the demons would become so excited, thinking "Ooh, he's gonna feel real bad about this one, time to give im' hell boys!" but instead, I've been walking around all day today feeling just... numb. Non-commited, but also really releived. But as always, it's gonna be the calm before the storm. Before I know it, they will leap out of the shadows, grab my mind and rape it, over and over again. Scratch and claw at it, sink their poisonous fangs into it and leave me bruised and bleeding once again. I just can't seem to stop my own mind from hurting me.

She said it herself - "I really don't care about you or what you do any longer - I'm just happy to get rid of you.". And I'm gonna try a whole new approach on this matter now. Fuck celibacy. Fuck feelings. Fuck staying true to my heart, cause' my heart has never stayed fuckin' true to me. I'm gonna take on the whole damn world, come out swingin' with a fistful of attitude, and show everything and everyone that I'm alive. I'm gonna shout the loudest, drink the most and live the fastest. There ain't gonna be no ain't knowin' me. It's gonna be painful, I'm totally aware of that, but when you feel pain, you at least feel something. And that's better than being numb. Even though my whole life is spinning so fast that I'm running around with a blurred vision, falling over things and hurting myself, I'm still gonna stand up on my feet again and keep running, whatever direction I might be heading. I'm gonna be the brightest fucking flame around, and some people can't handle the heat, get burned and bitch about it while they try to cover the wounds. Fuck them. I don't care. If you're standing in front of a speeding freight train, you're bound to get real hurt if you don't move out of the way. It's not that hard to figure out, is it?

Well, it's just that little thing about that... Flames need fuel to burn. And where do I get my fuel from? I don't know. Attention, like a little whore, perhaps? Fuck yeah, I love people looking at me thinking "I really wanna be like him, he's gorgeous".
Been spending some time talking to some girls today, and it struck me like lightning from a clear sky - damn, I'm kinda' attractive when I don't carry that big fucking cloud around over my head. When I'm glowing with energy, when my mind is thinking straight and I've got my eyes focused on target, I'm Captain Awesome. Invincible.
Spoke to a real nice girl I want to meet - who in many ways share the same hell as I live in. I feel like I can connect to her in a whole different way than I do with others. She sees behind the mask, and as much as it scares me, I'm also happy that someone understands me. I can't live without the support from people around me. People telling me everything isn't as dark and hopeless as it seems, pushing me forwards when I start gliding backwards, putting me on my feet when I fall. So yeah, that's definitely something to keep a fire burning. I have so many desires I can't find out which of them is more important. Money? Fame? Sex? Love? Understanding? Pleasure? Success? I want em' all, and I want them now. Impatience is my middle name, a trait that has been helping people to evolve for thousands of years, but also send them screaming into the abyss.

Last... but not least, I'm gonna bitch about my body going insane from not getting laid. I can't do it anymore. It's a drug I've become far too addicted to, and it's getting out of control. I feel sorry for the next girl a lay down on her back... hell hath no fury like a sex junkie out of control...
That'll be enough insanity for today. Tomorrow's gonna be great, Nora's coming to visit and we're also throwing a party at Erik's place. Haven't really been looking forward to anything lately, but I feel great about this. We're gonna party like the rockstars we idolize (and perhaps already are... in a way...), get drunk and just enjoy ourselves... not thinking about tomorrow nor about any of the pain that runs through our minds.

With that said... I think it's time I get some sleep. It's on now, this time around, I won't be stopping until I hit a brick wall doing 120 miles per hour.

Heart, fail me not...


  1. kul att höra att du känner dig attraktiv, det är bra, för det är du verkligen^^ det är så dumt när snygga människor får för sig att de inte ser bra ut. rock on, dear!

  2. Mjo, det är inte så ofta den känslan kommer. Men man får väl ta reda på den när den väl finns. :)

  3. Vadå att det inte betydde någonting för henne? Vad jag minns så var du hennes liv.
    Att du inte betydde något för henne är en lögn. Du betydde något så fruktansvärt mycket för henne. Och det vet hon också. Hon ljuger för hon vill inte låta folk höra det igen.

    Och bra du tycker du är attraktiv för det är du.

  4. Thx sweetie. Inte säker på att jag var det, men jag försökte iaf.